It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 9

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.

Today's topic: Tiger Woods' "Transgressions"

Tiger's Twelve Days of Christmas
by AdayInTheWife.com

At the first report on Tiger, Elin hit him with a Three (Wood)
He hit a hydrant and then a tree

On the second day of Tiger, ESPN told me
He had two secret loves and would still step up to the tee

On the third day of Tiger, Le Monde newspaper told me
He did three French maids, two secret loves but please respect his privacy

On the fourth day of Tiger, Hugh Hefner told me
He had four call(ing) girls, three French maids, two secret loves and hung out with Playboy bunnies

On the fifth day of Tiger, his doctor told me
He gave out Five NuvaRings (look it up)
Four call(ing) girls, three French maids, two secret loves and no condoms on Mini-Me

On the sixth day of Tiger, Us Weekly told me
He goosed six chicks he's a-laying
Five NuvaRings
Four call(ing) girls, three French maids, two secret loves and rooms at Hyatt Regency

On the seventh day of Tiger, the Enquirer told me
His boys were all swimming, goosed chicks he's a-laying
Five NuvaRings
Four call(ing) girls, three French maids, two secret loves and a potential STD

On the eighth day of Tiger, People mag told me
About eight maids he's a-milking, his boys were all swimming,
goosed chicks he's a-laying
Five NuvaRings
Four call(ing) girls, three French maids, two secret loves during surgery on his knee

On the ninth day of Tiger, TMZ showed me
Photos of nine ladies lap dancing, maids he's a-milking, boys were all swimming, goosed chicks he's a-laying
Five NuvaRings
Four call(ing) girls, three French maids, two secret loves and things in Florida weren't so sunny

On the tenth day of Tiger, Porn magazine told me
He had Traci Lords a-leaping, ladies lap dancing, maids he's a-milking, boys were all swimming, goosed chicks he's a-laying
Five NuvaRings
Four call(ing) girls, three French maids, two secret loves and he'd leave golfing indefinitely

On the eleventh day of Tiger, his lawyer told me
He'd have to pay the piper piping, Traci Lords a-leaping, ladies lap dancing, maids he's a-milking, boys were all swimming, goosed chicks he's a-laying
Five NuvaRings
Four call(ing) girls, three French maids, two secret loves
and a hefty attorney's fee.

On the twelfth day of Tiger, court documents showed me
He'd have twelve weeks for packing, pay the piper piping, Traci Lords a-leaping, ladies lap dancing, maids he's a-milking, boys were all swimming, goosed chicks he's a-laying
Five NuvaRings
Four call(ing) girls, three French maids, two secret loves
and Elin gets all of his money.

(Applause. The Wife bows.)

And she deserves every cent.
Merry Christmas, Elin.
Or as you'll say in your new country estate in Sweden, "God Jul!"

And Tiger? You suck. And you shouldn't have blown off The John Deere Classic after you used it as part of your coming-out party, you disloyal jackass. That tournament is too classy for you. Coal! Lots and lots of coal for you!

Happy Whoreticulture Friday! Have a great weekend!