Jesus in the Hizzle, Fo Shizzle

1. I am the Lord your God. You shall have no other gods before Me.

2. You shall not worship false idols.

3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

5. Honor your father and your mother.

6. You shall not murder.

7. You shall not commit adultery.

8. You shall not steal.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor's mortgage rate, unless it is below 5%, and then you should look into a low-cost refinance. Certain restrictions apply. See your financial officer for details.

This morning I shuffled to my computer with my first steaming, beige cup of coffee and got online to check e-mails and such, and I couldn't help but notice the vibrant pop-up ad next to the news of wars, financial disasters, and Tiger Woods updates. Where normally there would be a dancing college girl with the message "Obama wants moms to go back to college" or the Mastercard Gift Finder, guaranteed to find the right gift for your loved one at 14.99% interest, was an ad promising "Help for Homebuyers".

But this morning's ad was different.

It was your typical "New Homebuyers Can Get Great Rates" ad, but instead of a picture of a young couple with their adorable baby, the picture was one of a very happy Jesus. He had long, flowing dark hair and a full beard, dressed in white and crimson robes, looking beatific, and yet he had a huge grin on his face. In reality, it was probably a 28-year-old third year senior in philosophy at Berkeley with robes on, but still. It was Jesus.

I tried to click on the ad to copy the picture to post it here, but it was all locked up, and I didn't want to click through to the ad, which would open me up to all kinds of spam about Home Rates, Obama Wanting Single Moms to attend UC Berkeley, and End Times. Jesus stayed on my homepage. However, I found a picture of his bank officer and the loan documents:




Is this what we've come to? The economy is so bad that Jesus can't secure a home loan?

BANK: "So...Mr. Christ, is it? What is your employment history?"
JC: "I'm a carpenter, and I have a second job as the Savior of civilization."
BANK: "Do you have income tax returns or W-2's from the last three years?"
JC: "No, I haven't had a permanent address lately, and when I'm in town I just chill in my mom's basement with my friends."
BANK: "Do you have a downpayment? Savings?"
JC: "No. It is actually easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
BANK: "But it is easier for the rich man to buy a house, Mr. Christ..."
JC: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
BANK: "But you are looking to buy in the Golan Heights, that's a pricier neighborhood...can you get a co-signor?"
JC: "My dad will co-sign."

I'm also concerned about the rationale behind using Jesus to sell loans. Is there some implication of holiness about their loans? Is it peer pressure, like "Will you follow Jesus?" or "Do you accept Jesus as your personal loan officer?" It is an end-times message? And if Jesus is having trouble securing a home, what hope do I have of getting that 2010 Volvo X90?

I'm going to refill my coffee, see how Single Moms have discovered the secret to a flat belly, and pray on this. And maybe I'll throw in a prayer for the ad execs that came up with the idea of using Jesus to drum up business. Because they? Are going to hell in a handcart, fo shizzle.