Sunday, January 31, 2010

Even My Fourth Grader Thinks John Edwards is a D-Bag

WHEN:  Yesterday afternoon.
WHERE:  My living room.
WHO:  Oldest Daughter, Middle Son, Me.
WHAT:  Reading, playing iTouch, hanging out.
WHY:  Because this is how I learn things.

It's Saturday afternoon, and OD and I are sitting on the couch like we do, with her legs propped on the coffee table and my legs stretched over her lap.  She's reading the latest book in the House of Night series by P.C. and Kristen Cast, Tempted

Let me take a brief moment to address the House of Night series.  If you are unfamiliar, it is another vampire series, which was written at the same time as Stephenie Meyer was working on the Twilight series.  HON makes Twilight look like Bambi.  I read these books to see what my daughter is reading and talk with her about anything questionable.  I'm not really a book-banner, especially if it is a YA Novel, which these are, but HON pushes my boundaries as a mom.  Within the first couple of chapters there is blood drinking for sexual pleasure, light cutting, and a blow job is offered up.  Not by the heroine, but still, so we've had a lot of interesting mother-daughter convos.  I had a friend ask why I would let her read them, and my response is that OD already KNOWS what all of this stuff is - they had "the film" in 5th grade, and everyone in middle school knows what a BJ is, don't kid yourself.  What, really, can we shield them from anymore, unless you throw your TV out the window?  Have you watched prime-time network TV lately?  I give you Two and A Half Men...but I digress.

Here is the subject of my parenting lesson for the day:
HINT:  We ended up talking about douchebags.

So MS is playing some app, and I am reading People magazine, which is coming on Saturday instead of Friday all the time now, driving me nuts.  The cover this week says "Elizabeth's Breaking Point - After facing John's lies, and even bringing Christmas gifts to his love child - a determined Elizabeth Edwards finally sends her husband packing."  OD looks up from her blood-sucking BJ book and the following conversation ensues:

OD:  "What are you reading, Mom?"
ME:  "A book called 'The Help'."
OD:  "No, Mom, what are you reading right this minute."
ME:  "Oh, People." (Because I don't really think of People as "reading" so much as "stalking from the comfort of my couch".)
OD:  (rolls eyes) "Ya think?  I mean what is the cover story about - what did her husband do?"
ME:  "Well, her husband is John Edwards - do you know who he is?"
OD:  "Isn't he like a politician or something?"
ME:  "Yes, he ran for President.  But he had an affair, and another woman had his baby, and his wife Elizabeth is dying of cancer.  Oh, and he has three kids with his wife."
OD:  "Wow.  That's terrible!  And he wanted to be President?"
ME:  "Yes, which is really selfish because if he would've been President, all of this would've come out and it would've stopped him from being able to get anything done.  He probably would've had to resign.  And he wanted to be Vice President or Attorney General.  We are very lucky he didn't get any kind of important job in the government."
OD:  "He sounds really slimy."
ME:  "Yes, he is sleazy."
MS:  (looks up from his iTouch) "What a douchebag."
(STUNNED SILENCE FOR A MOMENT)
(OD suddenly smug, realizes MS is going to get in trouble.  She puts down her book to enjoy.)
ME:  "MS!  Where did you learn that word?"
MS:  (suddenly VERY nervous) "From a movie."
ME:  "Do you know what it means?"
MS:  "Uh, no."  (Which I believe, because if he did he wouldn't have said it in front of me.  He freaks out if anyone says the word "tampon" or "bra" in front of him.)
ME:  "Well it is a word that is bad enough to get you sent home for a two-day suspension from school.  And it is verboten for you, okay?"
MS:  (very red by now) "Okay."
(OD is very disappointed there was no violence in this reprimand.)

But John Edwards is a douchebag, and even my fourth grader knows it.

Here is an excerpt from the official John Edwards website:
"John dedicated his life to representing families and children just like the families he grew up with in Robbins, who were being victimized by powerful interests."
 I'm going to finish this paragraph for the Edwards webmaster, for free:
"Until John decided to victimize his own family  and children with his seemingly endless stream of narcissistic behavior and lying.  Time to get 'American Beauty' on Netflix, because karma is a bitch, pretty boy!"
And people are worried about middle schoolers reading YA novels.  At least the kids understand THOSE are works of fiction, where what they see on the news and in Time magazine (or People) are how people really behave.  Ish.

I can't imagine it's been rainbows and ponies to be Elizabeth Edwards lately, and it's probably no fun to kick out your husband of 33 years, with whom you've had four children, while you are in Stage Three of incurable cancer, but I'm glad you told him to drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free.

FREE TIPS FOR THE GUYS!!!  
  1. Valentine's Day is just two weeks away.
  2. Don't screw around, you will get caught, and we will cut you.
  3. Replace the toilet paper roll when empty.
You're welcome.

10 comments:

Anissa said...

Can I just say that I love the word douchebag? For some reason it makes me happy. LOL!

simplyiowa said...

Hey Julie!
Thanks for the wonderful story about the important things... It really hit home... Hope I can keep focused on that... About John Edwards... I still like him, and Elizabeth, and realize, no matter how big, and famous, or not, we are all human... I used to say, if 'my' John ever cheated on me, I would bring him to his knees...via a baseball bat!{ and I don't think he ever has...} I have seen others, { women cheaters} destroy their families, and I totally walked away from them, just couldn't understand it...and these gals were my best friends... I have learned a lot, these past few years... No one is perfect... we are all human, make mistakes, and are on our own journey... I have never cheated, but, I can not cast the first stone, I am not perfect... And I can not judge anyone... not my place...I have learned one big lesson...Forgive... Not just for them, but for me...
I love what you write, you are amazing! Keep it up, and write a book! Julie, you are GREAT...
Barb C.

GrandeMocha said...

My 6 yr old came home from Catholic school with the F word and the C word. I explained exactly what they meant and how to use them in a sentence. Then I told him that he would be in BIG trouble if any adults heard him use those words. If he says douchebag, I'll explain that too. Knowledge is power, use it wisely.

Bridget said...

I remember when I was really little, I got mad at my mom and called her a prick. My dad was furious and asked if I knew what it meant, to which I replied "it means she's a jerk" which is obviously NOT what it means.
Where did I learn this wonderful new word? The Chronicles of Narnia.

There's nothing you can do.

Anissa said...

Julie - I will be answering your questions on my blog (because I want everyone to see how awesome you are), but had to stop back by (couldn't find your email) and say "YES!" There absolutely is a market for your brand of funny Mommy humor. Hello! Here I am! Seriously, don't give up. Your posts crack me up to no end. They make my day every single time. You are awesomesauce.

Theresa Milstein said...

Even Facebook friend guys were calling John Edwards a tool. It's unanimous. Those who have cheated even think he crossed a line or two.

kelseypaulsen said...

Julie,
I stumbled upon your Blog by accident & I'm convinced that it was some kind of divine intervention! I'm not a mom (yet) but I find your refreshingly honest outlook on motherhood to be hysterically funny (I've been known to "piddle" a little while reading).
You rock my face off...
Kelsey

P.S. I once called my sister a "b-word". That did NOT set well with my mom...she canceled cable television after that.

Julie, The Wife said...

John is a total tool. Amen to that, Theresa.

Welcome new readers/commentators! I am a total comment whore, so you can't imagine how excited I get when I see a new comment. It's funny to me how no one wants to talk about farting, but bring on baby poop or douchebags and we are all in!

GrandeMocha and Bridget, I love the bad word stories - I called my dad's mistress (oh yes!! I'm not a fan of adultery, John!) a bitch once when I was 11, and she didn't do anything, so I said, "HEY, I called you a bad word, didn't you hear me?" She did.

Thanks for the awesomesauce, Anissa. You are terrificamisu.

Welcome Kelsey! Thank you, Jesus! Stay tuned for Whoreticulture Friday this week, which is about piddling! And sisters are usually b-words. I was one! Oh wait - my sister might say I still am!

A.R.Ambler said...

Your kid gets extra cool points for knowing what verboten means and NOT knowing what dbag means.

Jenny @ crashtestmommy said...

Found you via The Bloggess; so glad I did. Loved this post. My 15 yr old just started the HON series after reading the Twilight ones quite a while ago.

John Edwards IS a douchebag. For understanding that in context if not in literal meaning, your kids are BRILLIANT. Seriously.

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