Friday, January 15, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 11, Resolution 6

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.

Today's topic: Fauxginas (FOHW-gynas..trademark pending)
I had a whole different topic for today, but something else snatched my attention at lunch yesterday, and I can't stop thinking about it. (And by the way? You don't know how many really bad words I could've put in that first sentence.)

So on Wednesday I got to take Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein out for lunch to meet his public. Three otherwise harmless looking attorneys, whom I had not previously met, contacted me because they read the blog and love Todd. Or were at least morbidly curious about him. So we met for lunch, and it was very funny, and I'll write more about that next week. But as we were talking about my previous blogs (Okay, I was talking about that and would interrupt whenever they tried to take the topic somewhere else. Hello! Talk about other stuff on YOUR time, we are here to discuss ME!) and one of them mentioned that she knows an OB-GYN in Vegas who was doing an unusual exam. Here is how I have re-created it:

DR: "So, put your feet up here in the stirrups, Miss Cox."
COX: "Like this, Doctor?"
DR: "Yes, capital! So...(gets into the business)...anything irregular happen in the last six months? Do you have any concerns?"
COX: "No Doctor, it's all just been so perfect!"
DR: "Is this...what is..."
COX: "Is everything okay, Doctor?"
DR: "There is something off this a vagina? What is this?"
COX: "Yes, it's my new vagina. I did have sex reassignment surgery recently."

People kept talking in the restaurant. Food was prepared and served, drinks poured, tips left. But I heard none of that. I couldn't stop thinking about the fauxgina. Todd the squirrel looked at me with his one good glass eye and whispered, "That is f*cked up."

It's not the actual transgender part that troubles me. I am in Iowa, and we are all over being progressive. As Doris Day sang, "Que Sera Sera, what will be will be". You want to be a woman? Excellent. I highly recommend it. But perhaps one should tell one's doctor before he goes spelunking at the exam that it is a fauxgina, and is made of scrotal skin. You don't have to tell everyone, I suppose, but a doctor would be a good place to start.

And then, while everyone else enjoyed their chicken marsala, I thought about that fauxgina. How was it made? I never knew a man could have one if he so desired. All I could picture was some Valium and a melon baller. "You might feel a pinch, Mr. Cox." What did it look like? Did that fauxgina have real woman issues? Are there levels of fauxginas, as in you can get a Ford Escort, the economy fauxgina which is just a manhole, or a midsize Cli-Taurus, which comes with heated leather interior and side airbags, or go straight for the Hummer? Oh wait. No more hummers. Maybe a Furrari instead. The top-of-the-line hybrid fauxgina with On-Star, keyless entry and the rear backup warning signal. And a five year or 50 partner front to back warranty.

To be fair, here is what really happens, according to Urban Dictionary, my go-to resource on all whoreticultural things:
Transwomen may undergo a bilateral orchiectomy (surgical removal of the testicles) to facilitate hormone treatment (removal of the testicles reduces testosterone production) according to LGBT Health Channel. A further operation, vaginoplasty, may be performed to create a functioning vagina from the tissues of the penis (and sometimes other skin grafts). A vaginal cavity, labia, and clitoris and clitoral hood are formed from the skin and tissues of the penis, and nerves from the glans are used to promote sensitivity. The urethra is maintained (LGBT Health Channel).

And to this I say, Get the Funk Out! Really!?! Is anyone else blown away by the fact that there is no cure for cancer and MRSA is a mystery, but science has developed pills that can give otherwise unenthusiastic penises up to four hours of attentiveness and make a somewhat functional vagina out of a ballsack? Bravo, men, bravo!

So ladies with the ballsack fauxgina? Own it. You really did put your junk in your trunk. And now you get the best of both worlds - no pesky penis in your pants, no balls to itch, and no periods for you (because anyone who invents a faux-period should be shot). But as for me? I'll be...

RESOLUTION #6: Keepin' it real.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday! Coming in February...Todd "Hot Nuts" Epstein is getting his own blog, as the go-to Taxidermied Advice Squirrel. Click on the picture of Todd on the right and send in your questions.


The Insatiable Host said... I need to be concerned??? Fauxgina's!??!! Wowzer...I fuckin luv ya! Cli-Taurus and putting the junk back in your trunk...classic!

you are really a great writer - why can't you make a desk-top calendar that i could have at my desk????

The Insatiable Host said...

ps. my v-word was Labiphoma - I think that your whorticulture posts are catching on..
Labi-phoma - fear of real labia so the fauxgina would be the perfect model...

Anissa said...

OH. MY. GOD. I'm crying over here. Bravo, sister. Whorticulture Friday rocks! Seriously, I can't stop laughing. Thank you. :)

Anonymous said...

CW - you missed the Hyundai Accent super economy version, which is for those that can't afford the surgery and just do the fold -n-tuck, referred to as the mangina. -

Julie, The Wife said...

Labiphoma and Fauxgina. I think I am going to write a medical journal for people without a medical degree.

Aw, CH, thanks for weighing in with the Mangina, which will also appear in the journal. Will you be willing to provide a photo?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I really can't wrap my mind around this. Is it usable? And if used, how do you clean it out? With a wet-vac? Do you get a lifetime supply of KY? So many issues I hope to never think of again.

Julie, The Wife said...

Oh. Oh my goodness. Too much. Information. On the Internet. I tried to find the answers to the wet-vac, KY questions, but instead I saw pictures (on Wikipedia, you're welcome) and now my uterus hurts. I am going to pour a glass of wine and try to pour bleach in my short term memory....

Supper Club Six said...

Okay, Cli-Taurus made me snort my wine out of my nose. Thank you, Julie. I'd totally post a link on my FB page today if my Pastor wasn't my friend! She'd probably think it was funny but I'll wait for a non Whoreticulture Friday post. Reading the second Jen Lancaster book tonight as I nurse a bottle of red. I love them. Janel

pollyanns said...

We'll see you tomorrow night! I'm at the shop all day, so if you get a chance, stop and see me for a sec... looking forward to it. Should I bring some margs?

Anita said...

I started snort laughing at "snatched" and realized I have the maturity of an 8th grader.

Julie, The Wife said...

Having the maturity of an 8th grader is a pre-requisite to reading this blog.

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