Tuesday, January 12, 2010

WTF Kate Gosselin!? Resolution #5

Okay, that's IT!!!

I've had it with the Gosselins. I never watched the show, but my kids did. (By the way, we allowed the kids free reign with the TV before our 'let's not have cable anymore' moment last fall, and instead of trying to find The Simpsons or MTV or porn, my kids would stay up until the wee hours on weekend nights watching The Food Network and Jon and Kate plus 8. Weird, huh?)

I get People magazine. There, I said it. I have a subscription so I don't have to stick it under the other groceries in the check out lane. Instead, I have it delivered to my home in a brown paper wrapping. But at least I don't get US or InTouch, because I have standards when it comes to my celebrity gossip. So every Friday, I let George the Superpet/dog/horse lay inside the front door so he can go completely batshit crazy when the mail carrier comes to the door, thus announcing that my People magazine has arrived and making the mail carrier wet herself. Sometimes the worst thing that happens in my week is that People doesn't arrive until Saturday, which means it is a particularly good issue and someone at the post office decided to read it before sending it out.

ANYWHO, my People magazine arrived on Friday, and Kate Friggin' Gosselin is on the cover, AGAIN!!! What was the breaking news story with Kate and her batch of adorable spawn and her lowlife-mid-life-crisis-American-Beauty husband? She got HAIR EXTENSIONS.

Yes, you read that right. Hair. Extensions.

And not just any hair extensions. Let me share the wealth of information about said extensions, because at $100+ per year for a subscription to this magazine, you're damn skippy I'm going to read every word. Kate Gosselin had celebrity hairstylist Ted Gibson (known for tending to the tresses of Angelina Jolie and Anne Hathaway!) work her 'do, and he said that after they finished giggling for 15 minutes about whether or not to cut her bangs, he did her color and extensions at what would normally come to a $7000 bill in his salon.

Not a typo. Seven Thousand Dollars. For extensions. Which I am sure Kate got gratis, because that's how she rolls, and Ted got about $20K in free publicity. Jon Gosselin has yet to weigh in on Kate's new look, but his on again/off again psycho love, Hailey Glassman, said she just adores Kate's new 'do, saying "she's like fine wine, better over time." To which she I believe she added, "And I'm like a fresh can of Bud with the date on the can, which is what her ex-husband is into drinking right now. Not old. Young and fresh, like me! With real long hair and actually 22 instead of trying to look like it!" Hailey's dad, by the way, is the plastic surgeon who gave Kate her free tummy tuck, so they met long before Hailey started bedding her husband. But Hailey apparently hit her expiration date because Jon has now dumped her and moved on to a much older, more mature 25-year-old who is also assuredly into Ed Hardy.

It's enough to make you beg for cold decaf coffee, lunch with the Pussycat Dolls, a full-on Brazilian, a subscription to Cat Fancy, ANYTHING, just to make it stop. Which I am actually considering doing to my People magazine subscription. It's sad when People makes you feel like maybe you are above that kind of "news". Because I am really not that far above it. I just want grainy pics of The Edge and Gavin Rossdale (which thank God there were some) and to look at dresses and houses I cannot afford, and see reviews on books I will never write. Is that so wrong?

It also makes me think about people who have eight children. There are the McCaughey's in Iowa, who had the McCaughey Septuplets plus one girl who became an insta-nanny to her siblings twelve years ago. The Gosselins, who were able to turn their six children plus two into a media empire. And who can forget Octo-Mom, who clearly has an Angelina Jolie fixation and eight babies plus six previous babies? Did none of these people watch Eight is Enough? Because Dick Van Patten would have sat their asses down and said, "Listen, don't do it, or you'll end up married to Betty Buckley and be responsible for the careers of Grant Goodeve and the Karate Kid and Buddy on Charles in Charge. They'll have delusions of grandeur. Stick with two kids and business degrees."

Don't get me wrong. I know people with very large, loving families (One of them has ten kids!) who can actually care for those children. I know people who are actively trying to have a baby who have struggled with infertility. I have friends who have darling babies solely because of in vitro. I'm not in any way against in vitro, or other methods of having children, and I know I have been incredibly blessed with my three awesome ninja kids. But the people I know who rely on science are responsible about it, and have doctors who are responsible about it with them.

It has to be tempting to have eight kids and have someone buy a house and a large van and nannies and tummy tucks and extensions and all the free Ed Hardy clothing and accessories one can grab. It can perhaps make one forget about all of the food and diapers and bathing and personal attention all of those babies will need. Who needs hugs when you have a production crew to get your fruit snacks? All one needs is a doctor willing to load you up with fertilized eggs and a production deal with a cable network and bam! Just add water and you have a Chia-Celebrity!

But as tempting as it would be, I'm not going to calve eight babies. That is SO First Decade.

RESOLUTION #5: Give birth to nine children.

My three children are now old enough to care for babies while I flit around the country doing interviews and getting my hair done. I would explain to them that we HAVE to do this to take care of our family, and that it will be good experience for them, with the added bonus of getting to be on the TV and in the tabloids and having no private time, ever. Maybe they can grow up to get their own reality show! We can call my show "The Wife Without a Life: A Dozen in the House Until I'm Nearly Sixty," subtitled, "Now, Where's My Free Shit?"

And then Kate Gosselin? You can get YOUR People magazine in the mail and see my face on the cover with my new free $5000 lip wax, and say "Not The Wife again! That's IT! I'm canceling my subscription!" Because that is the REAL reason I'm birthin' those babies. Vengeance will be mine, along with an upper lip as smooth as nine babies' bottoms.


klervickchristianson said...

Why is it...as disgusted as I was with hearing about Kate's extension, I am curious about them and want to see a photo of that wacky gal. I think I am just curious how they can attach extensions to that mess of an asymetrical do!

Julie, The Wife said...

Okay, Lervick, as I said...I read the article. I have the 411. And I didn't watch the show. What does that say about me?

Anonymous said...

So sick of her!

Jenny Penny

Nikki Allers said...

Um, I have a subscription to US magazine, but it's a gift from a friend. I promise!

Julie, The Wife said...

Do you HONESTLY think I turn away an US or an InTouch or even a Town & Country if I can? When will you people learn that I am completely full of it? And now I know what to get you for a teacher gift...Mwah hah hah!

p.s. save your back copies for me...

Nikki Allers said...

That would be the best teacher gift, ever!! Shoot though, I already give my copies to a friend... If she ever tires of them, I'll send them your way, sent in a sealed envelope, of course.

Dawn said...

I have to admit... I am a Jon & Kate fan... but I must clarify ... it is because I have 6 kids- not at one time- but I had them in pre-school, elem, middle and high school all at the same time! It was HARD and I had NO NANNY and I WORKED NIGHTS and did DAYCARE during the daytime to pay for the stuff that kids need- like food and clothes and a house... you know all those extras!
I watched it with sponsor envy because I could have had my own show if I'd a thought of it first... 3 boys 3 girls... not nice like the Brady's... I could have had 'The Un-Brady Show'
I admit it... I am jealous of all the free stuff... and Christian Bales' wife...there I said it.

Julie, The Wife said...

Six kids, holy moly. At the very least you deserve a free subscription to Highlights magazine. There is no shame in Christian Bale lust. If I had a Dark Knight t-shirt I would send it to you, stat.

Anonymous said...

After having just one kid and no hair extensions, I got tired. Even the idea of hair extensions makes me tired. That is an ungodly amount of time at the hairdresser. I keep my hair up and my legs crossed.

Jen said...

I used to get all excited on Thursday when my People came in the mail. I also got Real Simple which I loved but their poor grammar on the cover always made me wince. I stopped getting People when I could no longer identify most of the Celebutards inside the rag. I didn't buy the Kate/Extension issue but I did look at it online and even posted about it. I forgot where I was going with this, one of my 2 kids is talking non-stop and I can't think straight. I don't know how anyone could have 8 kids where at least 6 of them were the same age. That's just crazy.

Billie said...

I am also curious to see haha! Although very tired of hearing about the crazy family, yet just cannot stop reading about them! Maybe I have a problem??

GrandeMocha said...

The idea of having a litter scares me! I had a hard time keeping one in the oven for 33 weeks. I think the Gosselins are like a train wreck. I don't want to watch but can't tear myself away. The kids were super cute though. My only child loved the idea of house full.

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