Thursday, January 7, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Resolution #3

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.

Today's topic: Lady Love

I love The Bloggess. I love her rollers. I love her taxidermied hog, James Garfield. I love her ability to use the word f*ck in her blog. (I SAY the word, but every time I try to type it in the blog, the ghost of my deceased Methodist Republican grandmother pours a can of Boraxo in my mouth.)

When I say I love the Bloggess, I feel a little guilty, because I also love Jen Lancaster and Stephenie Meyer and Jane Austen and Thisbe Nissen and Lorrie Moore and Pam Houston. And those are just my writer crushes. What about Chelsea Handler? Gwen Stefani? Julia Roberts? My high school friends? My local posse? These tough questions bring me to my next New Year's Resolution:

RESOLUTION #3: Decide if I am a latent lesbian.

I'm only 18 years and three kids into my relationship with Current Husband, so obviously there is still time to switch teams. And it's not like I don't still love men (other than CH, who is obviously the love of my life, and I am banking on the fact that he doesn't read this blog) ((but if you do, honey, you are still legally bound to me, capiche?)). There is The Edge, obviously, but he's married and I have principles. Gavin Rossdale, also married, and rumored to have been bisexual, so that doesn't help my case. And I do love David Sedaris, but HELLO, he's gay.

How would CH react to this news? Let's harken back to the night I called a friend, only to find out from her husband that she was at a Melissa Etheridge concert. "I let her do her lesbian thing, as long as she doesn't bring it home," he said, to which CH responded, "I have the exact opposite take on that."

I've always been able to understand lesbians. What's not to get? It's two guys together I don't understand.

A night at home with lesbians:


GAL 1: "Let's get in our pajamas and watch A&E's Pride and Prejudice!"
GAL 2: "Okay! I'll get a bottle of wine and some nail polish! Let's do our toes!"
GAL 1: "Can I get you something to eat?"
GAL 2: "Oh, let me get YOU something! You're such a nurturer!"
GAL 1: "No, YOU are!"
GAL 2: "No, YOU are!" Giggles. Wine bottle opening.

A night at home with two husbands:

GUY 1: "Dude, give me the remote, Ultimate Fighting is on."
GUY 2: "I thought you had it. Why don't you look for it and get me a beer."
GUY 1: "Why don't you get ME a beer and some chips."
GUY 2: "We don't have any food. Why don't you go to the store."
GUY 1: "Why don't you go to the store, and show me your tits."
GUY 2: "I don't have tits."
GUY 1: "Why don't you go get some. And find the remote. And beer."

I mean, really. Is there any room for debate here? Although that is more about heterosexual guys. The gay men I know are actually quite lovely, and would watch A&E's Pride and Prejudice and get me a glass of wine. But let's bring it back to me and my issues, because this is my blog and there is nothing latent about my narcissism. Urban Dictionary might refer to this issue as a "lesbi-non" - a straight girl who is into girls, but has yet to come out. Is it so? Could it be?

Nah.

This is fun to talk about, I love to shock my parents, and I needed a topic for Whoreticulture Friday, but really, if CH is behind Door Number One and a woman is behind Door Number Two, I'm going with Numero Uno. A sleepover is fun, but as for knowing someone Biblically? You're Number One, CH! CH? He's sleeping. Nothing surprises him anymore.

I've named my squirrel. I've decided to move to a warmer clime (I am sitting on the radiator). I'm not a lesbian. So far, 2010 has been all about definitive action.


And Edge? I'm just kidding. Call me.

3 comments:

The Insatiable Host said...

well..
where does one start with this...
after all the lesbi-non talk; what did you name the squirell?
I am contstantly hit on by women - I DONT DO BOX but they hit on me...I have asked my friends of the same persuasion if it's my hair, my voice, my aura and it's not...they just like to have girl crushes - and like men, some lesbians I have talked with have "knotches" for converting from a lesbi-non - to a full outtathecloset lesbi-gameon! i am scared of another women's drama especially when I know how much we live through and could you imagine PMSing and synching to the same schedule?? NO THANK YOU - I practically want to kill myself when I am pmsing; however, I tend to want to kill my hunny too...sorry, no help here!!
I will now refer to ya as Lesbi-on-the-fence
xoxo

SueWags said...

I don't think it's so much being a lesbian as it is being a hard-core "girls' girl"....which is what I am. :)

I couldn't be more into the penis for sexual pleasure, but who I want to talk with (besides my CH)? That would be my girlfriends. :)

As my 6 year old daughter chants, "Girls Rule! Boys Drool!"

Julie said...

Sue...I cannot believe this is you:

"I couldn't be more into the penis for sexual pleasure."

I am laughing. Why didn't we have more of THESE conversations during chapter? I think I'm going to have to start compiling a "Best Quotes From The Blog" and put the above and Danon's "I Don't Do Box" in it.

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