It's Resolution Month! Resolution #2

Blow, blow, thou winter wind
Thou art not so unkind
As man's ingratitude;
Thy tooth is not so keen,
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude.

Heigh-ho! sing, heigh-ho! unto the green holly:
Most friendship if feigning, most loving mere folly:
Then heigh-ho, the holly!
This life is most jolly.

Freeze, freeze thou bitter sky,
That does not bite so nigh
As benefits forgot:
Though thou the waters warp,
Thy sting is not so sharp
As a friend remembered not.

Heigh-ho! sing, heigh-ho! unto the green holly:
Most friendship if feigning, most loving mere folly:
Then heigh-ho, the holly!
This life is most jolly.
-Billy Shakespeare, "Blow Blow Thou Winter Wind" from As You Like It

Oh Billy, Billy, Billy. I understand that the sting of lost friendship hurts, and is perhaps less preferable to being cold, but DAMN, Bill, it's been zero degrees or less for days and I'm starting to lose feeling in my extremities. Let thy friends break up with me, I want to keep my toes! It must not have been THAT cold in England around 1600 or you would feel me, Bard brother.

I'm used to the cold - this is my 41st Midwestern winter - but it seems like the temperature usually ebbs and flows. Extreme cold one day, a balmy 30 degrees the next. Since around Dec. 20 our weather options are:

• Extreme cold.
• Extreme cold with snow.
• Extreme cold with ice.
• Extreme cold with snow, ice, cold and wind.

It's been so cold, this is how I look (and yes, I've been this bitchy about it):
This is how my superpet George, the dog/horse lounges around:

And Oldest Daughter has been appalled, because these trusty Borns, which were chewed by the dog/horse as a puppy, are my warm and sturdy shoes:

Every morning, if you listen closely, you can hear OD silently praying the van doesn't break down in front of the middle school so I would have to - GASP! - get out of the car in front of a herd of middle schoolers. And then I would break dance. And she knows it. But these shoes are all broken in! And they have the added bonus of being able to get salt and snow on them and I don't care! I can't give them up! I can't! I won't!

By the time March rolls around and it's 35 degrees and rainy it will seem like paradise. But I don't have time to wait for March, so my next resolution is to get the hell out of here.

RESOLUTION #2: Move to a warmer climate.

I'm thinking Finland, Norway, Antarctica, or North Dakota. Anywhere that holds a temp above 32 for sustained periods of time. Where I don't have to wear a bra to bed for fear of cutting holes in the front of my t-shirts. Where a sweater is not considered a "foundation garment". Where my toes stay pink and I can feel them. Where I don't keep drinking coffee, even if I am guppy-puking acid into my mouth, because it is the warmest thing I have. I am going to realtor.com. Right after my computer un-freezes. And then thy friends can visit to thaweth out.

And then Iowa? You will have lost another Heigh-ho.