Tuesday, May 18, 2010

How I Got My Electronic Ankle Bracelet

As I write this, I am enjoying my first glass of wine since my "Jencident" with Jen Lancaster last Friday.  While it is delicious, I can tell my body is having a certain amount of trepidation as I lift the glass to my lips.  No worries, little liver.  This ain't no Borders.

So today I am working on a freelance project, and I glance up from from my desk/dining room table and look out the window at a beautiful day outside.  I feel like the dog in the Far Side cartoon, watching two other dogs attack the mailman, with a caption that reads something like "Fido wanted to go play with the other dogs, but he had to stay inside and practice his violin."  I notice that the grass is about 6 inches tall again, and think "I should mow that".  This gives you some insight into how far I am willing to go to procrastinate the work I am supposed to do.

Then I started thinking about how I mowed the yard the last time, and how many times I did it LAST summer, and I'm thinking "has feminism given Current Husband a pass on mowing?"  Then I started thinking about traditional roles of men and women, and if there is such a thing as a "Traditional" gender job anymore, i.e. husband mows and takes out garbage, wife does everything else, and then I started thinking about Nutty Bars and coffee.  I believe the medical community refers to this as "Attention Deficit Disorder".

Mmmm.  Nutty Bars.
So in order to procrastinate my work even further, I log onto Facebook and post the following on my ADITW Fan page:  Just curious...who does the mowing at your houses? Are there still traditional "Man" jobs and "Woman" jobs? Does this sound like a dangerous question, like "Do I look fat pushing this mower?"
(Before I get into the rest of this story, I'd like to point out that I got 22 comments on this single little post, more than ANY OTHER POST in the history of ADITW.  You Likers get really riled up about laundry and lawns.  Next week I'm going to post about dirty dishes or toilet paper and see if I can top 22 comments.)

So I make my little post, and no shit, within 30 seconds I get an e-mail from CH:  "What's THAT all about?" and I get really indignant because CH is following me on Facebook and Twitter and checks the blog regularly and honestly, it's starting to creep me out.  I feel like I have a CH-Cam on me.  If I cut myself shaving he is going to text me and say, "You should shave in the other direction.  Put some aloe on that."  He is the spousal version of Big Brother, the HoverSpouse.  I call him at work.

ME:  "What the hell?  Can I say ANYTHING without you butting in?"
CH:  "Well are you saying I don't mow the lawn?"

ME:  "No, I'm asking people about traditional chore roles."
CH:  "I think you're saying I don't mow."
ME:  "That is beside the point.  Why do you feel like you need to Creep in on all of my stuff?"
CH:  "Someone needs to keep an eye on you.  You were illegally posting for advice on getting out of jury duty, and need I remind you of the Jen Lancaster incident just 72 hours ago?"
ME:  "I am an adult.  Butt out, Creeper."

And then we make an appointment for a nooner because school will be out in three weeks and that will be the end of that.  I grab a Nutty Bar and refresh my coffee and mutter to myself about being a responsible adult and I can post whatever I want.  I am SO in control.  Sheesh.  But as long as I've taken a break from work I wasn't doing, I think I will go over and check The Bloggess today, because I am an equal opportunity stalker.  Of course, she is hilarious, as usual.  Today, she created an ad about BINGO, because Bingo.com asked her to create and post an ad for them on her site.  Here is what she came up with:

I scan the comments, because some of the commenters are really funny too, and someone posts something like "Get 1,000,000 People To Beg SNL to Let The Bloggess Host" and I thought, "Hey, something like that would be funny".

And that, my friends, is where things went a little south.  It's like I was stalking Jen again, except this time there was actual trademark infringement.  I blame the Nutty Bars.

My next thought was "We have a Poet Laureate, The Bloggess should be our Blogger Laureate!"  Next thing I knew, I was on Facebook, CREATING THE PAGE:

And then I'm like, "Hey, what good is a Facebook Fan Page without a photo?" and so I go to her site and STEAL her image and post it on the page, and I list her as a Government Official, and then Facebook sends me a message that says YOU'VE CREATED A FAN PAGE! and I think, "HA!  That's SO funny!" and I go to her site and post a comment that says, "Make Jenny the National Blogger Laureate - click here!" and I post the link and I check the page 30 MINUTES LATER and there are 24 Likers, and then the sugar wears off and I think, "WHAT.  HAVE.  I.  DONE." 

I start sweating a little bit, and I send Jenny The Bloggess this e-mail (Actual text):
"Hi Jenny - Okay, so I read the funny blog about Bingo, and then I see someone comments about starting a Facebook page and then I think HEY that would be funny, she should be our National Blogger Laureate, and I go to FB  thinking "I'll just see if it's easy to do" and then POW, there is a page created, and I take your picture and then I'm like HOLY SHIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED!?! and I think I may have accidentally taken some Vicodin or drain cleaner and now I think I have violated you, which of course everyone dreams about, but not in this way.  So,
A)  I'm sorry
B)  Can I keep it?  I'll feed it and take care of it and make sure it doesn't get rabies
C)  You really do rule the Internet.  But not with an iron fist, and that's why we all like you so much.
D)  I will happily take it down if it is annoying and/or scary

I am now sweating.  I think I'll eat some crackers and lie down.
You may be saying to yourself, "Self, how does she have The Bloggess's e-mail address?" and I will tell you that as I worker I may be a slacker, but as a stalker I am very thorough. 
But get THIS - she responded:
"Ha!  I love it.  It's awesome."
Swoon.  I love her.  And I am really thrilled she is not suing my ass.  So CH comes home from work and puts his things down and pecks me on the cheek and goes to his laptop.

CH:  "How was your day?"
ME:  "Um, good."
CH:  "What."
ME:  "What do you mean, 'What'?"
CH:  "I mean what did you do?  I can tell you did something."
ME:  "Well, I sort of started a FB page to make The Bloggess the National Blogger Laureate."
CH:  "No."
ME:  "Yeah.  And I kind of stole images from her site to do it."
CH:  "Oh shit."
ME:  "And it has 147 Likers.  But I e-mailed her and she said it's okay."
CH:  (head in hands)  "This?  This is why I monitor you."

So now I'm on Double Secret Probation, and there is a suspicious-looking stuffed bear on the buffet staring at me with a huge belly button.  But that bear can't keep me off the Internet, sucka!  Be sure to become a Liker on the Facebook page, because really, how hard can it be to get Obama's e-mail address?  Not very. 


Erin said...

Frickin hilarious, love it all! ADD rules my world too!!!

Toni said...

I laughed and laughed and read bits to my husband, and he looked nervous.

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

I've already liked it, because it's freaking awesome.

Well done.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Dude. Did you purposely choose the stalky Sting song to play for this post? Because that's creepy. And *completely* awesome.

MidLifeMama said...

Double Secret Probation. HA! I am off to FB to like that page like I have never liked a page before. And this is my new favorite blog.

Jenny Talia said...

I've LIKED it
And I like you, funny bugger that you are


Crys said...

I think I just found another blog I want to read every day, not in a stalking kind of way either.

Miss Yvonne said...

This is probably the reason Facebook was invented. God is probably up in heaven all clappy and jumpy and is like "Oh myself! Finally!".

heaven said...

ok so I am so headed to facebook to find your new page.

And yes, there still are gender traditional roles. Men cut the grass, take out the trash & BBQ.

And now I must go back & read more

MommaKiss said...

" I will tell you that as I worker I may be a slacker, but as a stalker I am very thorough."

this is awesome.

laughing over here...laughing!

Elly Lou said...

*sigh* Another witty blogger to start reading regularly, make me laugh, make me bitter that she's got better grammar than I do, make me concede she's much funnier than I am, then eventually force me to resent her. Nice to find you, witty one.

ThePeachy1 said...

Wow odd, I usually run and don't even pass go when auto music is attached to something... But somehow you made it work, not to mention your fantabulous taste in music.. Fierce baby, fierce. Keep up the stalking...

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Great post and best stalker song ever !! But seriously, have you been peeking in my windows? You're conversations sound like mine with my DH.



Julie, The Wife said...

@Miss Yvonne "God is probably up in heaven all clappy and jumpy and is like "Oh myself! Finally!"." That will make me laugh all day.

@ThePeachy1 - I've had some grumbling about the music, but I can't help myself. You can't believe how many times I've been at Playlist.com doing a search on "stalker" or "tits".

@Jenny, The Bloggess - WHO IS FUCKING WITH ME AND POSING AS THE BLOGGESS COMMENTING ON MY BLOG?! Because damn. If Jen Lancaster sent me cute shoes and The Edge or Ok Go showed up with flowers I could die with satisfaction. And NEVER do laundry again. Bingo!

Shiny said...

Holy Crap!! Go Julie Go!! :)

Joe Ambrosino said...

You are really funny! My CW (lol) has it relatively easy as I cook, do the laundry and clean the house. All she has to do is put up with my annoying, addictive personality.

Ariel said...

Jenny responds to every little email I send her. Every time. AND she's all busy writing a book and shit and STILL, she responds.
I try not to send her too many.
I love her too.

Wendy Ramer said...

I love you, Julie, but I'm afraid that one of these days you're going to get your ass sued. Until then...I'm here for ya, baby. A loyal follower till the end!

MarryMead said...

You are pretty damn funny.And it is quite possible that I hate you. I hate anyone funnier than I am. Crap- now I gotta go back and get funnier. Shit.

ForeverRhonda said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one with a Creeper for a fiance/husband/boytoy. Only I have twitter all to myself. And hopefully it stays that way so that I have one place to share my true feelings. FYI we totally stalk the same people...want to join forces?

Julie, The Wife said...

You people. I'd give you all big, sloppy kisses if I didn't think I'd get a cold sore. So thanks and gracias and danke.

@Joe - CW - way to go to the dark side. My work here is done.

Julie, The Wife said...

@ForeverRhonda - absolutely.

GrandeMocha said...

My hubby's on fb. He doesn't check it very often. Every once in while he'll mention something and I know he's been in there. Totaly ruins the fun for me!

Now I can say that I've commented on a blog that the Blogness has too. Wow!

Ellen said...

Absolutely hilarious blog post. I'm afraid it was so funny because I can identify with the mind going, going, going here and there. Thanks for the laugh.

Lani said...

Good post, Miss Julie. Perhaps you should start stalking CH. Then he'd be so worried about where he'd see you next that he wouldn't have time to check up on you.

I prefer to use the term "displacement activity" instead of procrastination. It sounds much more corporate-I'm-doing-something-useful to me.

CeCe Savage said...

I love this post. And I'm so amused that your husband monitors you as if doing that will deter you fun and crazy internet adventures that sometimes leak out into the non-internet world.

litanyofbritt said...

i love this post and i also stalk the bloggess. following you now!

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