Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. (Yes, KAREN, that includes YOU!)
Today's topic: Good Vibrations.
There have been a number of new followers of A Day In The Wife this week on Blogger, Facebook, and Twitter, and for those of you who are Whoreticulture Friday virgins, I apologize that this is how we begin our relationship. Things to know: I am only really bawdy on Fridays, I stick to innuendo the rest of the week, and you can always pause the music. Welcome, and I hope you stick around for Monday. It will likely be about gardening. Without dildos.
But let's pause for a moment to think about Gardening WITH Dildos. Hmmm. How does YOUR garden grow? And what would one have in lieu of a green thumb? Hos with Hoes? Bloom where you're planted? The possibilities are endless.
So a few weeks ago, the fantabulous Brenda at MummyTime (Are you not following her yet? I'll wait.) celebrated her first Bloggy Birthday by doing a giveaway. It wasn't just ANY giveaway. It was the MummyTime SuperMegaAwesome Giveaway. She was giving away ad space on her blog and on her pal Veronica's blog Sleepless Nights; some gorgeous handmade cups by Kim, of frogpondsrock, an Aussie artisan; a blog redesign with Blog Designs by Sarah; AND? The BeBe. A VIBRATOR, sold at Love Being Woman. And please. You cannot throw down with a vibrator without me trying to win it. All one had to do was answer this question:
"Why do I need and want to win MummyTime's SuperMegawesome Giveaway?"
Here was my answer:
A gift?! For me?!? On YOUR bloggy birthday? Oh you shouldn't have! (Yes. Yes you should.) Why ME and not these other fabio followers? Well....
A) Ad space. Who the heck doesn't love a little narcissistic ME time? I DO! And when I am published and famous I can say to Oprah "I really owe it all to Brenda and Veronica, they are the shizzle."
B) CUPS! I love cups! I use them every day, as a matter of fact, but nothing as pretty as these. I would say, "Oprah, you should have your mint julep out of these cups. I owe these to Brenda as well!"
C) THE BE BE!! HELL TO THE YES! If I win The Be Be, I promise that during every single orgasm for a year I will yell "MUMMYTIME! MUMMYTIME!" and you can take that to the bank. (No Oprah, you may not borrow The Be Be. Take it up with Brenda, you should have entered the contest.)
D) What blog couldn't use a makeover? There are many things I would like to do with my blog, but don't have the know how. While I am sure The Be Be would give me some transformative powers, I need professional help for techie things. Waxing my blog's mustache and shaping it's eyebrows is a must.
In any event, thanks for having the Mummytime Supermegaawesome giveaway. It's like an Internet Festival. xoxo julie
AND I WON. A vibrator.
God Bless the Internet.
Now I have to decide who should own it. I could keep it for myself, yes, and I have to admit that I am a vibe virgin. But it is SOOOOOOO tempting to give it away. Who would want a vibrator as a gift? Who wouldn't? Here is my short list of great recipients:
Mother-in-law Christmas gift (I'd send it to you Mom, but I know you have one.)
End of year Teacher gift
Newly divorced friends
New Neighbor Welcome Wagon gift
Gift for Jen Lancaster at next book signing
Cellmate gift when I break Jen Lancaster restraining order
Store for CH to give to me when he only gets me a gas station gift card on our 15-year-anniversary later this summer
See? The BeBe is the gift that keeps on giving. And look how pretty they make it:
In my drawer it would be next to some Tums, nail clippers and my picture of
But wait, there's more! They have a You Tube video demonstrating how to unpack and power up your BeBe:
Dude. I. Want. This. Job. And doesn't everything sound fantastic in an Australian accent? They could be saying, "And then you shove the whole thing up your arse!" and it would sound so lovely that you would go, "Oh, that's all? It's so easy!"
On the Love Being Woman website, they have some interesting information, including the history of the vibrator. According to the BeBe people, at one time women were prescribed vibrators to cure the symptoms of hysteria. The site also reports that by 1917 there were more vibrators in American homes than toasters, which doesn't surprise me much, because really, What Have You Done For Me LATELY, Toast?
Seriously? It's stuff like this that reassures me there is good in the world. Happy people, promoting vibrators on the internet, but with CLASS and FACTS. *sigh* I love blogging.
But this post is just about the BeBe. As a Vibe Virgin, I brought this topic up at my book club this week, and they suggested looking into The Rabbit. (Can you imagine how thrilled my book club is when I don't show up? Because then when someone says, "So, did you think the main character was suppressing their inner rage?" I don't jump in and say, "Hey, I won a vibrator!") So next week? Good Vibrations, Part Deux, The Rabbit.
Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!