Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.
Today's topic: What Not To Do During Sex.
First of all, I am giddy with anticipation to break my restraining order on Jen Lancaster tomorrow night. I just called Borders on Michigan Ave, and they said they are expecting over 600 people tomorrow night, which might severely cut down on my time to persuade her to let me share a dog bed with Maisy, her pit bull. SO, I am a little preoccupied and not in a whorish state of mind. I keep thinking ...whores ...whores... whoreticulture.... what should I wear to see Jen.... whores... will they see a flask if I bring it.... whores.... how many copies of the book will she sign... blog... must write the blog... what did my friend's son write in school about sex?
BINGO. Houston, we have a topic.
About five years ago, I owned a retail store in a small, yet funky, town. A good friend of mine worked there for me, and one day she called and said I had to come back to the store right away. I got over there, and she was all verklempt because the middle school had called and said she needed to come to the principal's office because her son was in trouble. About an hour later, she came back, and she was equally bemused and pissed. She said she drove over to the school thinking, "What did he do? Bring a flare gun to school? Make a bad joke? Cheat on a test?" and when she got to the office he was sitting there, bright red and obviously uncomfortable. The principal said, "You need to tell your mom what you did". Her son muttered something. The principal said, "SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU." My friend said "WHAT! I need to know what is going on here!" and her son said,
"I made a list of things you shouldn't do during sex."
My friend pointed out to the principal that when you spend so much time talking about sex in health class, and the teacher dresses in costumes like a labia and testicles, and t-shirts are given to the kids that say "Abstinence!", it is likely the kids are going to talk about it, and perhaps make some lists. I wanted to repost her son's list here, but I couldn't remember what was on the list, so I broke my "no phone calls after 9 p.m." rule to get the 411.
Her 13-year-old daughter answered the phone, and said, "Hold on, I'll go get her." She has the cordless phone, and I can hear her walking. I'm assuming she is taking the phone to the deck, where my friend is presumably having a glass of wine. Instead, I hear knocking. OH CRAP! NOT THE BEDROOM DOOR! "Um, I'll just call your mom later, I was just going to say hi, it's no big deal...." and her daughter says very sweetly, "Oh it's okay, I hear her coming" and I thought "YOU ARE NEVER SUPPOSED TO HEAR THAT!" and then the door is opening and her mom is on the phone.
ME: "You were doing it, weren't you."
HER: "Um, not quite yet."
ME: "Are you naked?"
HER: "Under my robe."
ME: "What was on the list of What Not To Do During Sex?"
HER: "I can't remember."
ME: "Well don't do any of them. As you were, slutty mom."
HER: "Okay, goodbye."
SO, since I don't have the actual list, I am forced to make my own.
TOP 10 THINGS YOU
SHOULDN'T DO DURING SEX:
1. Text - I heard on the radio yesterday that people are texting during sex. Are you kidding me? What is wrong with you people? Is the person you're texting your partner? "Litl 2 th left" - "btr?" - "no, 2 far" - "how @ now?" - "WTF" - "Sry, Tht u mnt bckdr"
2. Fart - I'm a pretty gassy person by nature, sometimes I have to fight kind of hard not to let that happen. It's a miracle I've had three children, no?
3. Stare - I had a friend whose partner would stare at her meaningfully the entire time. She got to the point where she thought she had something in her nose, or he was definitely going to kill her. It didn't work out.
4. Get Pregnant - This is a personal one. Also, not good if your husband has a vasectomy. I'm just saying.
5. Talk About Your Mom - This isn't anything we do, but I would imagine that if you are in the middle of sex and one of you says, "Hey, your mom called, are we going there for Easter?" that it would be hard to continue.
6. Say "What smells?"
7. Take advice from magazines - Cosmopolitan, the porn mag with fashion shoots, had this advice for a reader who just lost her virginity and wanted to know what she should be doing:
"Most important is to relax enjoy and have fun and talk to each other.Could you imagine her partner, plucking the cherry and then showing up to play Mickey Rourke in "9 1/2 weeks" the next time? "Hey, I know I was a virgin last week, but have you been in YouPorn? I can't wait for my first STD!!"
Later introduce whipped cream, champagne, handcuffs, blindfolds, toys and kinky clothes !! And YouPorn can help!!"
8. Quick Makeover - Another magazine, Marie Claire, had some recommendations of their own as to what not to do during sex:
"Put lipstick on your nipples, bronzer in your décolletage, concealer on your bum, or mascara on your landing strip."Really? They need to tell people this? Who the F*#@ puts lipstick on their nipples, unless you are playing "Clown Porn Night at the Clinique Counter"? And the visual I'm getting of someone hunched over in the bathroom combing their soul patch with their mascara wand is totally disturbing. At the very least, their partner would look at themselves afterward and say, "I never heard about THIS at the free clinic."
9. Gymnastics - When we moved away from our old town, some people there had a very lovely surprise going away party for us. There was a DJ and a keg, so I spun a few tunes, sang a few songs, CH did a little breakdancing, and we got quite crockered up. We felt young, limber, and in love. I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but at some point I decided to move quickly, and I ended up falling off the side of the bed. Except that the bed was about 9 inches from the wall, and I ended up getting stuck. That's right, feet in the air wedged in between the bed and the wall. I'll give you a minute. CH laughed for a long time, and when my legs finally went numb he helped a sister out and gave me a hand. I'm fairly certain we were both sleeping about 50 seconds later. Good times, good times.
10. Pee - Thanks to my friend Trish, who just arrived, for this one. I asked her what you shouldn't do during sex, and she immediately said, "Pee". It sounded good to me. Remember to do those Kegels girls, because not everyone is into Golden Showers.
Happy Whoreticulture Friday, have a great weekend!