Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.
Today's topic: Cupcake porn.
It's coming...it's coming...it's coming...pant pant pant ...
but I am awaiting permission to use a couple of photos. Of vagina cupcakes. Because if you use pics of vagina cupcakes without permission, particularly ones made with rainbow fondant, someone is going to show up at your door and punch you in the uterus. But they are well worth it people, and may possibly put you off of eating cupcakes for a spell. AND, I am so excited, Graham the Australian Dishwasher Installer is coming over at 11 to install my new dishwasher! I have been without one for FIVE FRIGGING MONTHS and I am dying over here to fire it up! Photos of Graham, if he lets me, on the blog Monday. Whoreticulture Friday? Later today. On Friday.
I've spent the morning cleaning my house so Graham the Australian dishwasher installer doesn't think I'm raising my children in filth, which, essentially, I am. But does he need to know that? No. He is installing my dishwasher, and I need him to think I'm at the top of my game. I hope he lets me take pictures of him.
I haven't heard from the one vagina cupcake girl yet, but I think I have a solution, so let's carry on with this thing. There is a seedy underground in the bakery world, and I'm finding it focuses on one main area - cupcake porn. Lest you think I am trolling the internet for bakery snuff films, let me explain how I found genitalia pastries. Current Husband was making some breakfast for himself, and said, "Hey, come look at this bagel, it looks like a vagina!" and I'm thinking "Is he coming on to me? Because I haven't had my first cup of coffee" and he says, "No really, look at it" and I did and yes, it did slightly resemble a vagina:
CH promptly slathered it with cream cheese and wolfed it down.
I, on the other hand, passed on breakfast. Not that I have any problem with bagels, and I can totally see how women can get really sick of long johns and all of their baggage and move on to bagels, but I just wasn't hungry anymore.
This incident left me thinking:
- Is CH like the kid in The Sixth Sense, but instead of seeing dead people, he sees vaginas? "Look at that tire, it looks like a vagina." "Look at that coffee mug, vagina." "Duct tape - vagina. "
- Are there lots of food items that look like vaginas? Oh yes. Yes there are.
I Googled "Vagina Cupcakes",
and I hit the motherload.
The best ones, far and away, are the rainbow vagina cupcakes. They are bright and cheerful and have personalities. The person who made these cupcakes has apparently had her photo of them stolen a million times, because she will essentially stab you in the Fallopians if you use it, so I will send you to her instead of posting the picture. They are gorgeous, check them out by clicking here:
Platter of Vagina Cupcakes, coming up!
Aren't they pretty? It's like Rainbow Brite. Wouldn't OB-GYN's love it if more vaginas looked like this? Wouldn't it make their jobs more exciting? The question is, would you eat one? And what flavor would these be? Because I would lean toward Red Velvet, just on authenticity. Or Strawberry. It would depend on the time of the month. But never, ever chocolate, because that would seem less like sexy and more like a medical issue.
Think Rainbow Brite is the only variety of Vagina Cupcake available? Think again! Here is a snatch of what's available at another blog, at www.craftster.org, member name "squidknit":
How about those little ball-bearing clitorises?
And this crafty baker said she did varying
degrees of bush to represent all vaginas.
Cute, but again...could I really open wide and take a huge bite out of this? And the sprinkles? Could I have those in my mouth? In the spirit of equality, I will say that I would also have a very hard time taking a bite out of THIS:
Holy shit, what did you do to that delicious cake!?!?
And really? Do those blue veins indicate some kind of STD?
At least a circulatory problem.
These photos come to us courtesy of www.bachelorettesuperstore.com, where they have all kinds of naughty items described lovingly in this pretty cursive font. Here is a somewhat nicer penis cake photo from their site:
Would I let a penis with googly eyes near my Precious Lady?
If I ate the one on the right, would I be a Purple Penis eater? Are these The Penises of Sesame Street? Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster, Bert and Ernie? This is what I think about when I see stuff like this. (I know, it's sick, but I can't turn it off.) I think what this photo really illustrates is that it doesn't matter how much you doll it up, dicks are just ugly, and not that delicious. From what I've heard. My favorite penis cupcake still goes to this big winner:
Clowns with erections. It just doesn't get creepier than that.
I want to know a couple of things -
- Have you ever made porno pastries?
- Could you eat a genital cupcake, or would you succumb to the "ish" factor?
Happy Whoreticulture Friday! Have a great weekend! I'm going to have a carrot. NO! A banana. NO! A donut...Aw, crap, I'll just have another cup of coffee.