Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Laundry School Dropout, Second Spin

Laundry seems to be a hot topic with you people.

If you didn't read yesterday's laundry post, here is the catch-up for your ADITW burger.  Or scroll down.  Loved all of the comments, because again, total Comment Whore.  I wish I would have come up with Mount Washmore.  Nice work, Jennifer.  Many of the three or four followers here are writers - don't you just kick yourself when you write something and someone comes up with something brilliant that would've worked beautifully into your piece?  Well, that happens to me EVERY DAY.  And, Aleigh, WTF? doesn't the laundry automatically get sorted when you throw it on the box?  I bet Hamburger Helper would taste a LOT better if I tried your "just open the box" strategy.  And ForeverRhonda?  My dishwasher broke too, and an Australian guy named Graham is installing my new one, after FIVE MONTHS OF MY KIDS HANDWASHING and breaking all of my wedding dishes, on Friday.  I will blog about it Monday.  With pictures of Graham, God willing.

So today I did a total of 10 loads of laundry.  
Here is the status of my family's clothing:
 You should see the other chair.

A few things happened today during my laundry adventure.

First, I took some of the commentator's advice, and I bribed the children with Sprite.  Current Husband and I don't let them have soda, mainly because if they drank it there wouldn't be any for us.  We prefer to pop an ice-cold Diet Coke, sit with our feet up, and say, "We don't let you drink this because it is so unhealthy (and refreshing).  We are drinking this as an example of what not to do, because WE LOVE YOU."  I told the kids that if they helped fold clothes for a half hour, and then worked in the garden for another half hour, they could have ONE Sprite each.  And they bought it.  Suckers.  And they did it on credit, because I didn't even HAVE any Sprite.  It sort of makes me wonder where CH and I have gone wrong.  I would've negotiated for two Sprites and doubled down for chocolate.

Second,  I was standing in front of the washing machine putting in yet another load of darks, when I realized my black tank and denim shirt should probably be washed as well.  Of course, I took them off and threw them in the washing machine.  I walked back up the basement steps in my black capris and black bra, intending to round the corner to my room and get a shirt on.  The Son was in the kitchen, saw me walking up, and started screeching and making unintelligible noises, and then ran from the room covering his eyes.  Oldest Daughter saw me, stopped, rolled her eyes, and said in her monotone teen voice, "Dude, put those things away" and then continued on to her room.  I believe she referred to my bodacious ta-ta's as "those things".  Genetics and nursing are a bitch, OD.  See my chest, see your future.  CH followed me into our room, pretended to talk about something, and then groped me as soon as he knew the kids were gone.  Classy.  I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how old a guy is, whenever he sees a boob it's like the first time.

Third,  I am TOTALLY allergic to laundry.  I have proof:

 Do you see that goiter?  It's as bigger than a pea.  
I realize my gargantuan nose 
diminishes the hive, but it's there.  Oh yes.  It's there.

I do ten frigging loads of laundry, and suddenly, inexplicably, a huge hive appears on my face?  Coincidence?  I think not.  And by the way?  I spoke to a bunch of moms at dance class for about 15 minutes, and not one person said, "Hey, what's up with the boil on your face?  Maybe you should get to a hospital."  On the other hand, we get home from dance and OD looks at me and yells "Oh my gosh Mom, what is WRONG with your FACE?" and I think, "Well this is a new low in our relationship" and then she says, "No, I mean what is that huge THING on it!?" and I think "Hey, just because you got Grandma's nose doesn't mean you need to be cruel" and then she says "I think you have a bug bite or something" and I realize she can't mean my nose, because that is more like a garlic bulb.

We got in the house and I saw the appendage on my face, and I gathered the family for one of my "announcements".  A QUICK NOTE ON ANNOUNCEMENTS:  I am very passionate about "announcements", and I deliver them with great feeling and violent hand gestures, and in the moment I really mean them, but my family understands that I need to have my little rant and they can pretend to listen to me and I'll get over it within 24 hours.  One thing CH HAS learned about "announcements" is that he is NEVER to blame them on my period, or I might punch him in the testicles.

Tonight's "announcement" went something like this:
"Okay people, I did TEN loads of laundry today, and it was because you don't take your laundry downstairs, and now I have a big boil on my face and it's because I had to do all of this laundry and it has stressed me out to the point that I am actually breaking out in hives.  If you love me, you will start to do your part, and bring your dirty laundry downstairs weekly, and take your clean and folded laundry and put it upstairs, in your closets, and NOT IN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER, STILL FOLDED!  Do we have an understanding?"
 They all just looked at me blankly and waited for me to cry, which is usually their sign that the "announcement" is over.  I gave them a violent hand gesture, and they all quickly left the room.  

Q:  How many loads of laundry did I do today?
A:  Ten.  But I'm not bitter and that's what's important.

I sat in the room alone, thinking about how to reduce our laundry load.  I wear my clothes two or three times before washing them, and when you couple that with my every-other-day shower, that actually makes me like an Environmental Hero.  What is more important kids, your khaki shorts, or the planet?  That's what I thought.  I don't wear makeup very often, only because I want to reduce animal testing, and I am eating a whole bucket of KFC pink fried chicken every day to cure cancer.  When going through Jen Lancaster's garbage, I separate her metals and plastics (My Fair Lazy, buy it now!), and I am currently drinking an organic wine.  It's all because I CARE, people.  And I think the best way to teach the children is by example.  And this is why I stopped doing laundry:
  1. For my health.
  2. For the planet.
  3. For the feminists.
  4. For the children.
I know.  It's so obvious this is the right thing to do.  I think this is going to spark a revolution.  A really smelly, jelly-donut-stained revolution.  And you know it's gonna be...alright.


CeCe Savage said...

This post was even funnier than the last! I was cracking up at the nose story, the boob story, the announcement story. This was a great post. But seriously, organic wine? That can't be good.

CrackedGem said...

When I was about 12, "Santa" brought my sister and I our own laundry baskets for Christmas. My single-father said, "Since Santa thinks you're old enough to have your own laundry basket in your room, he thinks you're old enough to do your own laundry." From that day forth whenever we were missing something it was our own darn fault.

BTW, Worst Christmas Ever.

Jennifer Murray said...

Ok, first of all, YOU PUT MY NAME IN YOUR BLOG!!! hehe, that is so cool. But I can't take credit for Mount Washmore... That's a total Flylady thing. So please, don't feel bad about not thinking of it first, cuz neither did I :)

I was thinking to myself last night, that it is totally possible that I am the only person in the house with any clean clothes. Because there is a load in the dryer, a load in washer, 2 in the hamper, and clothes all over the floor. And I just finished laundry 2 days ago. How in the world do they do that?!?!?!

As far as the hives, it won't sound nearly as torturous to the family, but is it possible you touched your face with bleach on your hands? I've done it before, it sucks. Be careful with bleach people. I'm just saying.

ZEKE said...

Sooo Funny!! It's nice to know I'm not the only one who hates to do laundry. True fact about guys and boobs.

Wendy Ramer said...

Just yesterday I "forced" my son to help me fold laundry. As soon as basket #1 was folded, I dumped #2 on the table. He freaked and said, "You do this every day?!"

In this house, it's about every other day. So my son now has a new appreciation for what it takes to keep his crap clean.

GrandeMocha said...

My son loves the red washer & dryer in the Home Depot ad. I think we should buy him a set & teach him to use them. He already knows how to fold. I have to supervise him putting his clothes away though.

The Insatiable Host said...

RODB (yes, this is what I will call you now). Mount Laurdo-bore is how my weeks end (honestly). I do not own a washer or dryer yet...not until I move into our new house...I go to the friggen laundry mat on Friday (hot dog!!) I also have 3 kids under 5...let's do the math. 15 loads $4.50 x 15) in the double washers plus 2 3x washers ($6.00x 2) plus drying at $.25 cents for 5 minutes....this all divided by my patience with having 3 kids with me = holy fucking life altaring experiences...this could be why I am the way i am.

anyhow, you asked for it...i have posted some pics on the contest....CH eat your heart out!!! lol...anyhow miss you so much, and I can't wait to read up on your life and be creepy like that.

PS. I loved the "french my bone" comment so much that I literally told 8 people about it today!!!



PS. i have decided you need to come to Canada. It would be a great experience for your family...have a great time putting that away. (the laundry)

Anonymous said...

Hahaha!!! Love it!! Environmental Hero!! Brilliant :)
Hugs!--heather eades

Nikki Allers said...

ten loads of laundry.

just trying to fathom ten loads in a day... it's enough trying to keep up with the laundry from my two and they have little, itty, bitty clothes.

Your Sprite bribery bit makes me realize I was too kind in simply giving a certain 26 students a birthday donut this morning... guess I should have had them scrub the classroom first. I'll remember this next time...

Julie, The Wife said...

@cece organic wine is fantastic! Trust me!

@cracked gem wow, I am so sorry, but impressive that dad harnessed the power of Santa to back him up. That's like saying "Jesus says to make your bed, too."

Thanks @Jennifer, @Zeke, @Wendy and @heather!

@grandemocha - I TOO am totally in love with the red washer and dryer from The Depot. Maybe if I had those on the main floor of my house I would like it better. Nah.

@InsatiableHost - YAY! So great so see you, crazy Canadian B! You sound chipper, your bone must've gotten Frenched!

@nikki you must use the sugar power of youth. Go to the Dark Side! Use the power!

The Hubby Diaries said...

Both of these laundry stories have me cracking up. I can feel your pain.. AND, I do not have any children!!! (unless of course you count my dear hubby). When I start to tackle the laundry I have about 10 loads to do also and apparently it's because my husband is the one allergic to laundry. At least that what he tells me although I've never seen him break out into hives... hmmm.... do ya think he's making that up?

Needless to say, he cannot relocate the dirty clothes to where they need to be. And, I'm pretty sure he has idea where to find laundry detergent. And, don't even get me going on washing linens. I think he could use the same towel for a year without ever thinking it needed to be washed.

ForeverRhonda said...

Awesome I got a mention in your blog!! :) Is Graham at least a cute aussie? If he was I might not mind him repairing the dishwasher for months, so long as he did it shirtless. On another note my dryer is also broken so I haven't had to do laundry in awhile, my fiance takes them to his mom's and borrows her washer/dryer while she's at work. I'm putting off purchasing a new dryer for as long as I can, because it would probably mean I would have to wash laundry again. And hey, we have the wearing clothes a few times in common too. For the environment and not because we are lazy.

aleigh said...

So, I'm in Indy over the weekend, and a high school friend of mine says, "BTW - I just have to tell you that friend of yours, Julie the Wife, is HILARIOUS! I totally identified with the laundry story." I responded, giving you the most gracious accolades, and I'm sure my buddy was just about to tell me how much she loved my blog, too....and then the waitress came and we moved on to soup of the day and side salads....

*chirp* *chirp*

p.s. The absolute worst part of laundry duty is PUTTING IT AWAY. After I've found it, identified it as dirty, washed it, dried it and folded it, the least the m*ther f*cker piece of cloth could do is FIND IT'S WAY TO A DRAWER OR CLOSET!!! Eff-Me!

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