Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.
Today's topic: Choking the Chicken.
So tonight I had a totally different topic in mind but I needed some help so I walk into my bedroom and Current Husband is lounging in his comfy pants, one hand on the remote and one hand sort of stuck just in the top of his waistband, eyes glazed over and watching TV.
ME: "Don't judge my Whoreticulture Friday topic, but do you have any weird stories about..."
CH: (still looking at TV) "Choking the chicken?"
ME: "Wha...No. No, it was not about choking the chicken. It was about..."
CH: "Pullin' the Pud?"
ME: *sigh* "Why don't you tell me all of the slang terms you know for masturbation."
(I can be very Zen. I will use his current energy flow to my advantage instead of fighting it. My hormone of choice is EstroNinja.)
CH: "Okay!" (Now he's excited about the blog. This rarely happens.) "Um, there's..."
AND HE DRAWS A BLANK. No pun intended. I guess that would be "Shoots a Blank" to be a pun, but I'm a lover not a fighter.
ME: "How about Spanking the Monkey, or Shining the Brass Knob?"
CH: "No, you can't use Shining the Brass Knob, that's a blow job."
ME: "I don't think so. It sounds more tactile than oral."
CH: "Whatever. It's a BJ."
ME: "I'm going to Urban Dictionary."
And THAT, folks, is a snapshot of the marriage of The Wife and Current Husband. Your welcome, Hallmark, on ideas for next season's anniversary cards.
To the man whose brass knob I would shine any day.
But that's NOT a blow job! Happy Anniversary anyway!
Don't you love how Hallmark can get away with a lame joke by saying "anyway"?
We invited the fire department to your birthday
...to put out the candles! Happy Birthday anyway!
Hallmark, you crazy sonofabitches. Back to whacking off...
I called a couple of friends and said, "Do you have any weird or crazy stories about masturbating?" and they all pretty much said, "I have stories about masturbating, but they are generally disturbing more than entertaining." And then I realized I have the most awesome friends that they don't bat an eye when I call them at 9 p.m. and ask them about beating off. So we're back to Urban Dictionary, the Official Go-To Guide for Whoreticulture Friday.
Masturbation- The act of touching oneself to produce a favorable feeling in the groin area. Usually accompanied by some sort of mental, visual, or audio stimulation to assist in reaching climax.
But you already knew that. I like the examples better:
No honey, I don't want to tonight, I'm tired from watching Oprah. Why don't you just go masturbate?
After Urban Dictionary, I Googled "Masturbation", and as I hit Enter, I cringed as I thought about all of the porn sites that were now going to spam me. What really surprised me is the sheer number of "How To" sites on masturbation. Really? Is it that hard? Couldn't anyone learn the basics by watching "9 1/2 Weeks" or "American Pie"? If you are a little behind the curve, here is a whole list of sites from About.com, but for the REAL thrill, you have to visit Wikipedia. There are a variety of pictures, from the artsy, by Gustav Klimt, to the incredibly disturbing sex offender self-portrait by Egon Schiele. Even better, there are incredibly smooth and Brazilianed people "demonstrating" it. For Science, OBVIOUSLY.That dumb broad got me all worked up and left me; so I had to spit-shine the old water pump manually if ya know what I mean.
Sometimes, when I wake up, I have an erection, so I have to beat off until it goes away. Sometimes, it comes back so I beat off again until it goes away. Once, it kept coming back so I just chopped it off. It hurt bad.
I did get a couple of interesting masturbation stories, but those all involved a vibrator, which I will save for another Friday because THAT is deserving of it's own post. Since you are all so well-versed on masturbation, today's post will serve to help broaden your knowledge of alternate terms for masturbation. Feel free to add your own in the Comments section.
YAY! It's an interactive blog!
jacking off * jerking off * wanking off * hand job * spanking the monkey * beating off * spanking the monkey * beating the ugly stepchild * choking the chicken * flogging the donkey/dolphin/log/hog * spit-shine the water pump * flagging the mule * slapping the salami * beating the meat * rubbing one out * pocket pool * buffing the banana * walking the dog * roping the pony * beating the bishop * burping the worm * wonking your cronker * bleeding the weasel * corking the bat * pumping the python * buttering the corn * pull the weasel * tug the rope * polish the knob * do the 5-finger shuffle * slide the snake * toss off a batch of orphans * peek-a-boo the mole * pay the babysitter * plant the carrot * stroke the one-eyed monster * burp the baby * choking the man in the pink turtleneck * jacking the beanstalk * yankee-ing the doodle * waxing the wood * caulking the cracks * tickle the pickle * shizzle the nizzle * cream-filling the donut * cleaning the pipes * juicing the Twinkie * punching the clown * shaking hands with Dr. Jolly * roughing up the suspect * feeding the geese * shaking the shark/Pringle can/shit/bottle/change/gadget/iPod
Consider yourself educated, America. Doesn't it seem like ANYTHING can be a term for masturbation? Now go on and Fill Your Friday or Greet Your Weekend or Call Your Mom. It can be creepy, or a drinking game. Your call. Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!