Thursday, January 20, 2011

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 54

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats. Or the ghost of Liberace.

Today's topic: The Vajacial

Somehow January has become Vagina Month.  I'm not sure why.  Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I am so effing cold that I can't feel mine anymore.  Tonight in Iowa it is -20 with windchill, and since I'm wearing about 20 layers of clothing, talking about a Vajacial is about as close as I'm going to get to one.  So let's get it on.

First, let me give a shout-out to the sisters of Chi Omega, because I get more Whoreticulture Friday topics from them than anyone.  I guess in between the videos on how to set a table and and hand-holding songs of sisterhood, we were all just a bunch of dirty hos, and honestly, I love them a little more for it.  Thanks today go to Stacey in Minneapolis, whose vagina is presumably colder than mine. Go eff a moose, darling.

A Vajacial is a facial for your smelly gal.  They were "invented" by Stript Wax Bar in San Francisco, where it seems that someone has spent a LOT of time trying to perfect the puss.  Here is some press on the topic, I hope you can read it:

Catharine Zeta-Jones is saying,
"I can't move, I'll crack my pussy masque."

I doubt you can read it, so here is the highlighted part - "Stript Wax Bar in San Francisco offers the 50 minute - we couldn't make this up if we tried - Vajacial, a facial-like service with a papaya enzyme peel, a mask, and a Vitamin C lightening cream."

Stript offers this service for $60, and you must have a Brazilian first.  Hmm. So for a total of $120, plus tip, someone can stare at my vagina, slather it in creams, masques, and wax, rip the hairs out of the follicle, and tweeze out ingrown hairs.  I am going to pay someone to torment and humiliate me.  How about if I give myself a paper cut on my tongue and fart out loud in the office for free?  Better yet, why don't I have Current Husband do all of this tonight and I will get an orgasm out of the deal, and no one has to know about it?  (Except that I just blogged about it. Is nothing sacred?  No. No it isn't.)Because hand to God, if someone is gettin' jiggy with my jay-jay for $120 plus tip, I had better see the clouds part and hear the angels sing.

Some in the press have referred to this vaginal facial as a "peach smoothie".  Sounds cute, until you see an image of a peach smoothie.

This peach smoothie looks like someone
needs to spend a little more
"me" time in the shower.
Because in my world, peach smoothies
should be more...peach.

CH asked what I was blogging about tonight, because he is always looking for the "Can we practice that at home" angle on Whoreticulture Friday.

CH:  "What's today's topic?"
translation: Will I be getting laid?
ME:  "Vajacials.  They are vagina facials."
CH:  "What does that mean?"
translation:  Is there any girl-on-girl action?
ME:  "Someone puts creams and masques on the vagina and generally diddles around with it to make it look like it's 18 again."
CH:  "I am totally going back to school for that.  I've found my purpose."

Which is a lovely thought for men across America, but really, wouldn't you get a little pussied-out?  You know someone would come lumbering in there with some nasty scent,  at the tail end of their period, or with some piercing disaster, and then you would be off vagina for weeks.  Months, even.  And I don't know about the rest of you, but if someone was tweezing individual ingrown hairs out of my chia pet, I would probably pee myself a little bit from the pain.  I've borne three children the ugly way, so I pee a little over smaller issues than tweezing short and curlies.

Before Stript Wax gets ahold of your kitten.

I have one other question about the Vajacial - what's up with the Vitamin C lightening cream?  Why do I want to go all Michael Jackson down there?  Do I really want to alter the pigmentation of my dealio?  I know there is anal bleach, and I guess I sort of "get" that, but is there really a problem with marbled vagina skin?  Is it patchy?  I guess I just don't spend enough time gazing at mine.  Perhaps instead of lighter COLOR, the lightening cream is like thunderbolt - you know, LIGHTENING cream, Ka-POW, all over your vagina!  And then I am writing my check for $60, no questions asked.

There's CH, volunteering from the other room. 

So do tell, Wifers - are you up for a Vajacial?  There is no judgement at Whoreticulture Friday.  Would it be worth your $60?  And what would your desired results be?  And why do I want lightening cream?  I will wait for your wisdom.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!


Jennifer Brindley said...

I'd pay $60 to find a shaver that doesn't suck at life. But other than that, the only person who sees my crop is my vag-doc.

And, I love you.


Raquel's World said...

Well, this is the first time I've heard of this. Sounds interesting. I actually think a facial for the vagina would be kinda cool minus the hair pulling and such. Facials do wonders for the face so just imagine what they would do for the vagina!

Anonymous said...

I am kind of surprised Todd's night out with the babes wasn't the topic for whoreticulture Friday ;)

Lani said...

I'm frightened. And, I must say that the women who go through all of this have the power balance wrong between them and their significant others. Does that just make me old and stuffy?

GrandeMocha said...

I haven't shaved my legs since New Years. Could be June before the snow melts and I show skin again. Not showing the goodies either. No need to fancy them up.

Post a Comment

Let's talk. Tell me all about it.