Today's topic: My New Pink Button
Sometimes, gentle reader, a vajacial is just not enough.
Perhaps after your vagina has been ripped, tweezed, buffed, exfoliated, powdered, masqued, and had "Goodnight Moon" read to it, you are tucking it in for the night and you think, "Honey, you look a little pale. Are you okay?" And perhaps you are one of those people who might stare at their own vagina for a VERY VERY long time, like other people might watch a sleeping baby, or a movie, or three-day biopic. And then perhaps, just perhaps, you are of the opinion that young vaginas are very pink vaginas, and maybe yours is on the pale side, and you develop a DYE SO YOU CAN ARTIFICIALLY COLOR YOUR LABIA. Because NO ONE wants an old, pale pussy. No one.
Get your things in order. The Mayans were right.
Yes, ladies, your prayers have been answered. For only $29.95, you can dye your labia back to it's original jailbait shade of fuschia.
NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT
ME: "Hey Gail, what are you doing tonight?"
GAIL: "Not much - the kids are out with their dad."
ME: "Mine are at the basketball game. Hey! I have a great idea!"
ME: "Why don't you come over and we can dye our vaginas!"
GAIL: "Awesome! I'll bring the champagne and the rhinestones, let's tat those bitches up!"
ME: "Don't forget the outline for the PTA fundraiser."
GAIL: "Got it right here."
Apparently, the owner/founder/colorist for My New Pink Button was concerned that her kitten had started looking like an old bleached out feral alley cat. Naturally, she went online to research her desired coochie color, and found THOUSANDS of people online who had the exact. same. problem. Which makes me weep a little for the world.
She developed her product. I will assume that some of the blends maybe didn't work out. Whose labia burned with those mistakes? How many vaginas suffered so you could have a perfectly pink pita pocket? Just like when you were head cheerleader?
Let me take a moment to say that the founder of My New Pink Button is gorgeous, and probably smart, and found a product that apparently people want. Her packaging is great (ba-dum-dum!), and I love the names of the different colors of product. They also apparently help with cosmetics for post-op breast cancer patients, and perhaps this product makes people feel good, and improves their self-esteem, and for that I say bravo. The company seems legit, but a little tongue in cheek (eeew, I know, right?), and I can appreciate some humor.
But I have trouble getting past the words "labia dye".
I have a question for the Pink Button people - why stop at pink? What if I want to go a little farther on the color wheel? Maybe I want a Purple People Eater. Or Green Eggs and Ham. Or maybe I want to be a slutty Smurfette. Or perhaps I don't want to stop with my labia. Maybe I want to be Rainbow Brite in my Hinterlands. What if I want a turquoise uterus? Then where do I turn, Pink Button people? Where? I see a huge gap in the market that needs to be filled. (These jokes just make themselves up.)
Move over Easy button. There's a New Pink Button in town.
Because feminism was about choices. Betty Friedan didn't make all those cake mixes so we could live with pale vaginas. She wanted us to have choices. She wanted our buttons to be able to be both Easy AND Pink. Now we can finally have it all. Yay, feminism! Make mine the color of Watermelon Sherbet! With sprinkles!
Happy Whoreticulture Friday! May your buttons be easy and your labias be as pink as they wanna be!