Thursday, January 19, 2012

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 76

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or anyone who lives within 10 miles of me. Or parents of my children's friends.

Today's topic: Home Invasion

I'm going to tell you a little story that is pertinent to today's post.  Back in about 2005, I was having dinner with Oldest Daughter, 8, and The Son, 6.  At the time, I was still a bit of an over-acheiver in the parenting department, and was trying to teach the kids to count in German.  Things fell apart when we got to the number 6.
ME:  "Sechs"
THEM:  Tee hee hee hee hee
ME:  What?
THEM:  You know...hee hee...
ME:  (This is not happening) No, I don't.
THEM:  It...hee hee...sounds like...hee!
ME:  (It is happening) Um...What do you think sex IS?
OD:  When men and women kiss a lot and rub up against each other.
ME:  (whew) And who has sex?
THEM:  College students and bad teenagers.
ME:  (solemnly nod) Yes.  That's absolutely correct.

Two out of two grade school students surveyed believe  adults do not have sex.  Thank you, third grade peers.

DATELINE:  Last Sunday.  Garbage day is Monday, so in our uber-classy white trash way, we leave a big black garbage bag in the middle of the kitchen where the other smaller garbage cans are deposited.  You know, the garbage cans from bathrooms and bedrooms.  So I'm in the basement, and I walk upstairs into the kitchen, and see that George the Superpet has been rifling through the garbage again, and that damn dog, what is that on the floor, it had better not be ....

Oh Dear God.  It isn't.  It is.

A condom.  Um...unwrapped.

I get all panicky and sweaty.  Who has been in here?  Who saw this?  The room is empty, and this is the sole item on the floor, smack dab in the middle of the kitchen.  I quickly get it back in the garbage and tie the top. 

And then I call the police to report a home invasion.

POLICE:  Where?
ME:  Possibly in my kitchen.
POLICE:  Can you describe them?
ME:  I'm sure they look just like the people from Jersey Shore. 
POLICE:  Why do you think that?
ME:  Because they are clearly stupid, stupid people.
POLICE:  When did the crime occur?
ME:  Two nights ago.  About 11:30 p.m. after the kids were asleep.
POLICE:  Is this a repeat occurrence?
ME:  No, one time incident in 2012.  TRUST ME.

And if anyone asks, I can now produce a police report to back me up.

(Did I just say "Back me up?"  Will I never learn?)

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!


Rhonda said...

that's awesome.

Julie, The Wife said...

Hi Rhonda. Thanks. Because sometimes I post these things and I see 50-60 people look at it, and no one says anything, and I think, "I've finally done it. They're all gone." I can now go to bed, knowing that there is at least ONE person I didn't completely gross out with my true but crunchy life.

GrandeMocha said...

I thought you were fixed? Poor George. He'll probably need therapy.

Julie, The Wife said...

I am TENATIVELY fixed, @GrandeMocha - It's like I'm on sterilization probation - I get the dye shot to the uterus in Feb, and then this will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. Because we will lock our doors so the bad teens can't get in.

shiny/happy@home said...

Haha! No--we're all still here, my Friend. Just always too tired and lazy to comment--but thanx for always making me laugh! :D

HogsAteMySister said...

Good idea, calling the police for, uhm, corroboration.

I could not bring myself to say "back-up" in a dog-related story.

But here's the rub (sorry).

Police will run DNA tests.

And when they show that the condom user was in fact George the Superpet, there will be questions.

Many questions.

And possibly a trashy reality series.

Involving at least 7 Kardashians.

Kris said...

Absolutely hysterical!

Julie, The Wife said...

George....they're on to us....

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Hee hee hee... that is awesome, so glad I found your blog!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I always read it and you can neer make me go.

SueWags said...

Laughing out loud! My OD has been begging for another baby. "Just one more," she says. And I think to myself...I know she knows how that happens! How can her love of babies be greater than the ick factor of asking your parents to procreate?

You're still an over-achieving Mom in my book!

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