But, I am back at work now. I like my job, but I sure miss my at-home mom days. Just sayin'.
So over break Current Husband and I got together with a couple for a drink. If you can imagine, I'm a talker. My talking gets proportionately more annoying with my drinking. After a couple of glasses of wine, I can really think I am HI-freaking-larious. More so than when I'm sober. I think we can all see what I'm saying here. So the husband of the friend, who is a funny guy, says, "Does she ever stop talking?" and my husband says, "Yeah, she's kind of like Donkey from Shrek. The trick is getting her to stop." SCREECH!
Did you just compare me to....DONKEY?
So we all laughed and I'm laughing and thinking "Just wait until I have you alone, MFer", and the couple left shortly thereafter. I waited. We picked a few things up and talked about how nice it was, and how funny the husband is, and I said,
"I thought it was super funny when he made fun of his wife and compared her to Donkey. Like an ass. OH WAIT. THAT WAS YOU."
CH's face went blank. The little hamsters on the wheel in his head picked up steam as he contemplated what had happened. "Oh shit. I really did call her Donkey. I said it out loud. I'm in So. Much. Trouble." He then launched into one of his full appreciation modes of, "Oh honey, you know I don't think that. It was just a joke! I LOVE you! You're awesome! The cake was great, by the way!" and I said, "I know it was a joke. And it's funny because it's true. I am like Donkey. I talk all the time. I'm irritating. That's why it's SO FUCKING FUNNY! I can take a joke! And I bought the cake at Deweys." and he said, "Everyone knew I was kidding! No one thinks that! And you were so smart to get the cake at Deweys! " and I said, "I know, because when we are with other couples, the husbands always make a point of saying things to their wives like 'you are as fat as Kung Fu Panda!' or 'I'm going to get you on What Not To Wear' or 'you talk like Donkey from Shrek!" and he said, contritely, "You're right, I'm calling them and apologizing and telling them how great you are" and I said, "No, you're not, because I really AM like Donkey. You nailed it." and we went to bed and didn't have sex.
Over the course of the next few days, I made sure to occasionally walk past him and say "EEE-awww". He cringed. He suffered. Which is too bad, because I really AM like Donkey. Really. He did nail it. That's why it sucked. Because who WANTS to be Donkey? I'm even like Donkey in Shrek 2 when he says, "I'm a STALLION!" but really, he's still an ass. Because sometimes I do think I'm a stallion. Sometimes I AM a stallion. But really, there's just a well-meaning Donkey in here.
On New Year's Eve, we stayed home with the kids and had a nice time. We played some games, I hooked a little, it was nice. A nice, old person, washed-up New Year's Eve. I don't like going out on NYE because I think it's one of those overrated holidays where the expectations are high and the results are usually a little disappointing. And then you have to deal with drunk drivers, no thanks. So we got through the night, and at 12:30 the kids were going to bed and our neighbors texted to see if we wanted to have a quick New Year's drink with them. Sure! It's right next door!
FAST FORWARD TO 3:30 A.M. Oh Dear God. Where did that bottle of Gruet go? In me? Really? Why am I holding a gift certificate to a local spa and am wearing a diamond anniversary band that is not mine, and am telling my neighbor-lady that we just had our "Commitment Ceremony"? Where did she go? Why is my tongue SO EFFING BIG? Why do cigarettes sound good? Thank God there are no cigarettes. What am I talking about? Why can't I form the words properly? Why is CH pulling me by the arm out of their house? I'm young and fun! Don't let it end! More champagne!!
FAST FORWARD TO 9 A.M. No one move. NO ONE.
FAST FORWARD TO 10 A.M. Ugh. Glad bought donuts for kids. Glad CH in charge.
FAST FORWARD TO 11 A.M. Aleve. Water. Repeat.
FAST FORWARD TO NOON. What did I say last night? I can finally sit up. Current Husband walks into our room and sits next to me, smiling. I raise my throbbing head to look at him. He puts his arm around me and says, "That'll do, Donkey. That'll do."
Oy. Happy New Year's Wifers! And neighbors, I'll make it up to you. I swear. New Year's Resolution? More Stallion, Less Donkey.