It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 50

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats.


Today's topic: Disco Stick Riding

I think I’ve mentioned before that I drive a six-pack of middle schoolers to school each morning. Spending that 20 minutes with six middle schoolers can sometimes be exponentially more enjoyable than spending 20 hours with just ONE middle schooler. When they travel in packs, they tend to be funny and somewhat pleasant. When they are Han Solo, they tend to go to The Dark Side.



When middle schoolers are in the van, my beloved NPR is turned to the local station, B-100. The content is decidedly different.


Lately, Lady Gaga’s song, “Disco Stick”, has been in the morning rotation. You really haven’t lived until you’ve been stuck in a car with three sixth grade boys and three eighth grade girls when Gaga is saying, “I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.”

“I can see you standing there across the block

With a smile on your mouth and your hand on your HUH!

Don’t think too much, just bust that stick

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.”

Um…do any of you kids have homework? Does everyone have their lunches? Okay, have a good day, and whatever you do , STAY OFF OF THE DISCO STICK!

Listen Ga, I love your fierce independence, really I do. But do you really want to ride the disco stick of a guy who is standing across the block staring at you and masturbating? And? Disco is dead. Lots of people ended up with herpes in the disco era. Let’s reconsider. Perhaps you want to play some scrabble or go to a movie before considering taking a ride on his Antibacterial Bar of Soap or Thoroughly Laminated Commitment Rod?

Here is the other problem I have with this song – and this could be limited to my experience only – but where some people (middle schoolers) may hear a beat or think of dancing in The Club, I just think PENIS. Penis, penis, penis, penis. Perhaps a ballsack. And frankly, it ishes me out a little. I love me some sex, but HELLO, my Grandma Rea was a stalwart Methodist and my Grandma K was a Mennonite. It is not in my blood to look someone in the eye and say, “Allow me to mount your penis.” And I really don’t need to hear anyone else asking for it either.

This brings me to Snoop Dogg. That’s Snoop D-O-double G. I think you’re great, Snoop, I do. I can get with sippin’ on gin and juice, laid back, got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. But Snoop is another perpetrator of ruining sex by describing it too much. His new song is “Wet,” and he SAYS it’s for Prince William’s bachelor party, but I am telling you there is NO EFFING WAY Prince William will get down to this song if the Queen has anything to say about it.

“Can you be my doctor?

Can you fix me up?

Can you wipe me down?

So I can lick you up?

(OH WAIT, IT GETS BETTER!)

Tell me baby you are wet

I just wanna get you wet

Drip, drip, drip for me mami”

Holy shit. This song might actually cut down on teen pregnancies, because it might make sex sound SO unappealing that no one does it. Just reading the LYRICS to this song makes me want to buy a full length Lanz flannel nightgown and some granny panties.

My friend Paige, the OBGYN, should be seeing an increase in patients if this song is representative of the incontinence sufferers, because if Mami is dripping that hard, she probably needs medical attention and not 15 minutes in heaven with Snoop Dogg.

I’m going to take a moment to guess what Snoop’s video looks like. I’m closing my eyes. I’m concentrating very hard. I think he is going to be wearing a spiffy outfit, maybe a suit or a tux, drinking something from his bejeweled chalice (because he is high class) and then there is going to be a woman slathered in oil and a thong barely covering her Juicy Butt and she will be slithering around on the floor, in sheer ecstasy from just being in Snoop’s presence.

I hope you all have a Happy Whoreticulture Friday and a great weekend. I’m going to have a nice, dry weekend, and might make some time to service the dip stick. (Not you, CH, the oil in the van needs to be changed.)