Thursday, December 16, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 51

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats. Or Santa.

Today's topic: Who's Your Daddy?

And now, from the ADITW Christmas Carol Chorus - can I have the first two bars of "O Holy Night?"  Can I get a witness?

"Oh Holy Shit,
I'm not done with my shopping
It is the eve of the last day of school.

Long lay in bed, CH is watching Burn Notice
Til I appeared and he tried to look busy
A thrill of hope, a weary wife rejoices
Until she looks at the laundry on the floor

Not on my knees, oh hear the children's voices
you're alone tonight, so do the dishes
Oh night divine, the mall is open."

I am still not effing done with shopping.  Tonight I baked oatmeal raisin cookies and almond bark peanut butter Ritz cracker sandwiches, and made some homemade chicken noodle soup to give to people at work I need to gift.  Next week, teacher cinnamon rolls.  I will admit, I almost bailed on WF again this week, but then I remembered I did it last week and felt like a huge slacker.

So I'm in Walgreen's last week picking up a prescription for Youngest Daughter's semi-annual ear infection, and I'm thinking about what to buy for Current Husband.  I mean, he has ME, so what else could he possibly want?  He is one lucky bastard, CH.  So I'm waiting for the prescription, and I glance over at the shelves by the pharmacy and see this:

OMG.  It's perfect.
And at $29.99 it's in my price range.

I can already picture CH on Christmas morning.  He has his second cinnamon roll and his cup of coffee, and the kids are opening their gifts, and they say, "Daddy!  It's your turn!"  I turn and look at him all lovingly while he tears the paper off of his own personal paternity test.  It's the gift that says, "I want all of your questions answered.  You can finally trust me."

The kids look at the box, and then they'll look up in confusion.  "What's this?" they ask.  I say, "Well kids, even though you don't look like Daddy, this is a way we can all be sure he will support you for the rest of your underage lives."  I could really get my $29.99 worth if I had him open it at the Christmas exchange at his mother's house. 

Sweet Baby Jesus, it's tempting.

For those of you who are interested in, but unfamiliar with, a paternity test, here is the box information:

Paternity impacts many important life decisions and can affect a child's financial welfare and parental custody. More importantly, paternity knowledge provides peace of mind. Our laboratory follows rigid scientific protocol and routinely provides results probabilities greater than 99.9%.

•Committed to your privacy - information is kept strictly confidential
•DNA test results reported to you in 3-5 days
Purchasers of this kit qualify for a discounted price of $319 for a legal purpose DNA test (proof of purchase required).
How it works: Using the enclosed cheek swabs, rub the inside of the cheek to collect specimens. Place the child's swabs and the possible father's swabs into the separate specimen envelopes provided. Send payment, swabs, and order form to IDENTIGENE using the enclosed postage-paid envelope. Obtain results in 3-5 business days after samples arrive at the laboratory. Results available via mail or online at *Additional $119.00 laboratory fee required. When DNA testing is performed for legal purposes, specimen collection and handling must be performed by a disinterested third party. .
© 2009 Identigene, LLC

Hold the phone, Identigene.  Do you mean to tell me that I have to pay a whole $119, plus postage, to find out the real identity of the father?  WTF!?!  I thought we had this down for the price of a week's worth of Big Mac Value Meals!  Now you're cutting into my drinking budget, and that's not cool.  Plus?  I want my third party INTERESTED.  For $119 I want my Aunt Nancy running the test at the lab.  Some disinterested person might mess it up.

So I guess we'll just move on with our lives knowing CH is the father, but it really sucks away all of my fun.  I guess I'll have to go with something a little cheaper, and it's a gift CH and I can share all year 'round:

Thank you, Walgreens. 
These, Boone's Farm and
 a Snuggie are what
 I call a Date Night.
Are you in, Baby Daddy?

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!


MultipleMum said...

I can not believe you have managed to write 51 Whoreticulture posts! Quite an achievement! I question the accuracy of these tests but I give the manufacturers brownie points for marketing genius! That is some fineprint!

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