Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Little Help - What's a Virgin?

Last Saturday, a long-awaited date came up on the calendar.  Eclipse was released on DVD.

Oldest Daughter and I are Twilight freaks.  Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, and if having a crush on a ficticious sparkly vampire (or the hot borderline jailbait British kid that plays him) is wrong, I don't wanna be right.  And let's get one thing straight...I don't watch Harry Potter and think about getting it on with Daniel Radcliffe.  But Rob Pattinson I would happily spank.  I have standards.

So it isn't enough that I've read the book...a number of times.  Or saw the movie in the theater two times.  OD and I have watched the DVD three times since Saturday.  I can explain it no better than a meth addict explains why they like meth.  There is no rational explanation.  But a margarita, a Twilight movie, and my flannel pjs go together like Larry, Mo and Curly.  Or ice cream, brownies and fudge.  Or teenagers, acne, and Facebook.  Or beer, NASCAR and Winnebagos.

Let me make one criticism of the movie - Jacob?  He's hot.  He's buff.  He's what I would expect a guy who turns into a werewolf looks like.  Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, I buy it.  But the other dudes in the pack in Eclipse?  They have muffin tops bigger than mine.  It really should be in their contracts that they have to work out with Taylor Lautner, because if you are going to spend the entire movie running around shirtless, give me something to look at, not be uncomfortable about.  If I was going to be in a movie shirtless, I would work the freeweights and get a boob lift, AS A FAVOR TO THE VIEWER.  You're welcome.

So we watch the movie with another family the first time.  Youngest Daughter and her second grade buddy are busy chanting for Jacob and cheering for the wolves in the first movie.  It's cute.  The second time, we watch it with just our family.  The Son and YD are asking questions and then shushing each other when the other one talks.  It keeps them somewhat occupied.  The third time, YD is sitting on one side of me, and The Son is on the other side.  It's the part when Bella and Charlie are talking in the kitchen, and he is asking her if she and Edward are taking precautions.  Bella ends up saying, "Okay, Dad?  I'm a virgin!" and they both get uncomfortable and leave the room.  YD turns to me.

"Mom?  What's a virgin?"

"Oh God, honey, it's been so long, I don't know," is what I think.  I know YD doesn't know what a virgin is - when she and a friend were into the movie "The Grease", as YD called it, they sang the song Sandra Dee a LOT.  When her friend would sing "Lousy with virginity", YD would say, "No, it's 'Virginia-t', like my middle name."  "OOOHHH, I get it" her friend would say, and they'd go on singing.

"Shh! We're watching a movie!" is what I say.

YD whispers..."MOM! What is a VIRGIN!?!"

The Son is shaking with laughter, eyes big, watching me.  The older kids live for moments like this.

"Well...um...it's when someone is very careful....they don't do a lot of crazy kissing or anything...." the scene changes to Bella trying to seduce Edward into tapping that.  We all watch in silence.  I'm hoping The Virgin Moment has passed.  YD is watching intently as Bella wraps her leg around Edward's rock hard...vampire body...and starts to unbutton his shirt.

"Is THAT what a virgin does Mom?"  YD is now confused.  Bella says she is a virgin, and then in the next scene is dry-humping Rob Pattinson.  Well honey, that's what some virgins do.  I had a friend in high school who we referred to as "The 69 Queen" - and I know you read this and you know I love you - and she proudly graduated as a virgin.  But her boyfriend all during high school always had a smile on his face.

"Um, no honey, a virgin probably wouldn't be getting quite so...crazy."  I don't know why, but the word 'crazy' just kept popping up in my head.  Probably because it was an easier word than 'penetration' or 'hymen' or 'intercourse'.  It's just so..so...crazy!

I thought about going with the whole Virgin Mary comparison, but still, Mary ended up with Baby Jesus and it still waded into waters I wasn't comfortable swimming in.  YD knows about penises and vaginas, she just isn't aware yet that they are interlocking parts.  I finally tried a strategy that addressed genital involvement.

"Bella just means Edward doesn't see her private parts."  I stared at the TV.  Edward was telling Bella he wanted to protect her virtue and asking her to marry him.  Stick with the theme, YD.

"Ew. Why would she want him to do that?"

"She wouldn't.  That's why we like Bella.  Yay!  They're getting married!" And finally, YD was distracted.  A wedding!  Like Bridal Barbie!  And we could just forget about vaginas for now.

YD might see the wedding scene, but Breaking Dawn will conveniently break down when the honeymoon starts.  But Mommy?  Mommy might have to watch that one alone.  Brown Chicken Brown Cow....


Brooke said...

I dread questions like that.

But I'm totally looking forward to getting "Eclipse" in the mail sometimes this week from Netflix. Yay!!

Elyse said...

Ummm that was hilarious! You are so funny and so my people! On my day off yesterday I went and bought Eclipse, the check out boy was like "Please tell me you want a gift receipt" and I was like " Nope this is all mine!" lol. You're amazing..just wanted to tell you you made me laugh.


Naturly said...

I very clumsily answered that one with "It's someone that hasn't done something yet" when my 8 year old asked me that one!

Steph said...

I am SO Team Edward as well.
Great post!

Anonymous said...

Maybe this would have been a good moment for a Madonna video?

Anonymous said...

My brother asked at about age 8-9 and I, four years older and knowing better, told him it was someone from Virginia.

My daughter asked my brother and sister-in-law at about 6 or 7, and they told her it was someone who wasn't married yet. So months later we're watching Miss America or something, and she asks "Are they all virgins?" Diet Pepsi exited my wife's nose.

Former co-worker

ForeverRhonda said...

I totally understand your obsession. I've watched it twice since I got it on Monday.

Jacinda said...

My boyfriend's 10-year old son kept making up "that's what she said" jokes that are nothing the proverbial "she" would actually say. I dread the day when he actually gets it.

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