I'd Like A Blizzard, a Snow Blower and a Tapeworm, Please

As John Lennon once wrote, "And so this is Christmas, and what have you done? Bought a damn Blizzard machine, you now weigh a ton."


But if John Lennon DID write that, he would be lying, because anyone who bought the DQ Blizzard machine has found themselves practically Blizzard-less, because that damn $40 machine makes a 2 ounce serving. Hello! I bought the thing not for my child's joy, but so that she would be forced to make me Blizzards on demand.

Look at the kids on the box:

Don't they look all coked up?  Those big, wide eyes say, "I've had 32 ounces of processed sugar and dairy products and I'm going to clean the bathroom floor with a toothbrush at 2 a.m."   Once again, I am sucked into false advertising.

THIS is what I was expecting:

Come to Momma.

This is what I got:

A spaceship that poops 2 oz. of half-and-half, and a pissed off kid.

 Another issue I have with the DQ Blizzard Maker?  Where are the effing Reese's Peanut Buttter cups?  WHERE?!?!  It includes little packets of "Popping Candy", but who honestly orders their Blizzard with Pop Rockets on them?  M&M's, Brownie Batter, Reese's, Heath Bar...lots of things would suffice, but strawberry flavored hydrochloric acid?  Not on the menu, people.

Basically, this DQ Blizzard Maker purchase was just another exercise in futility toward my dream of having a Joan Jetson kitchen.

 

Fried chicken?  Let's just push the button. 

Rut-Row!  We got Blizzards!

Maybe I just misunderstood the product.  Maybe it wasn't some vanilla-flavored-sugared-up-lactose-crack at all.  MAYBE it was a Narnia-type machine, whereupon opening the box, an actual BLIZZARD descended upon the land around you, and the White Witch would appear and offer you Turkish Delights, but I just opened the box enough that eight inches of snow fell around my house and Current Husband complained all day that he would have to shovel it and then when he went out to start the 2-year-old snow blower it wouldn't start but instead had gasoline flowing down the back of it.  Is that a Turkish Delight?  Because I think I did it wrong.

Let's Recap:

• No actual Reese's Blizzard
• No child waiting on me
• No cracked-up sugar-jacked kids cleaning my house
• No snow blower
• No Turkish Delight

If that wasn't enough, I had a large salad for dinner tonight, because there is about to be an intervention regarding my Christmas sugar-cookie problem.  Here is the magnet CH had best not give me:

Oh, Onion.  I love you so.