Thursday, July 8, 2010

Guest Post by Oldest Daughter

Oldest Daughter is actually a more accomplished writer than I. She won a contest in Writer's Digest, back when they had a kid's contest, so she's been published in Writer's Digest and I haven't. But I'm not bitter and that's what's important.

She's been doing writing prompts she found on a website, and she sent this one to me. It's an obvious cry for help, so I told her I was posting it on my blog. Publishing your child's personal work on the Internet is what all good mothers do, right?  She looked at me incredulously, and then said, "Are you SERIOUS?" At first, I thought she was horrified, and then I realized that she was honored, which is really funny, because HELLO! Grandma already thinks you're a genius!

So OD thinks she's hit the big time because she is on A Day in The Wife. And I will allow her to think these thoughts because they might translate into me looking like an authority of some kind.  I am posting this because I think it will give you some insight into 33% of what I deal with on a day-to-day basis.

Here is her Guest Post - I believe #5 was actually written with me in mind.  Or perhaps all of them.  #3 and #6 are my personal favorites:

10 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t
Write Your Life Story, by OD

  1. Writing your life story is like making people depressed with you. For example, you could have a great story up until you start writing about when you turned thirteen and you figured out you were moving to another town and that your friends were happy you were. Or that your parents were getting divorced and that you started doing things you knew were wrong - I’m not speaking out of experience here, by the way.
  2. It’s like you’re just spreading out you’re personal information. Ex: “when I was thirteen I got my period at my best friend’s pool party where everyone made fun of me and started calling me ‘spot’” - again, not speaking from experience- but c’mon, really? Do we need to know your childhood nickname? No.
  3.  It attracts stalkers and other pedophiles. You could answer the phone one day to an unknown number and someone on the other end could be all, “meet me at the BP gas station in five minutes or your daughter gets it!” and you could be all, “but my daughter is with me…?” and they could be all, “not for long.” and then you would be forced into a spiraling paranoia where everyone thinks you’re crazy and people have to put you in a local asylum. Do you really want that?
  4.  People from your high school graduation class that you wrote about would call you and be like, “wtf were you thinking writing about how it was me who slashed the tires on principal McManny’s car?!” and you would be like, “oh I didn’t edit that part out?” and then they would be all mad and upset at you for the rest of your life.
  5.  You could end up with some crappy publisher and end up just paying them to go nowhere with your book, so it’s a total waste of time and money and bad childhood nicknames (see #3).
  6.  Your children would hate you. You could write about them being born and their entire freshman class could read it and be like, “HA! Your parents never meant to have you!” and your kid would be all, “what the heck were you thinking?!” and you would be all, “oh my god, that part wasn’t edited out either?!” and then they would hire a hitman to come and end you so they could be all, “who’s the accident now?” and you would look up or down at them sobbing and be like, “I’m so sorry.
Alright, I can’t come up with ten reasons I could only come up with six. (:

SPECIAL NOTE: none of these examples are from personal experience and I apologize in advance for if they relate to you in any way.

I have to admit, I love the disclaimer at the end.  "These don't relate to you in any way, especially the part where I hire a hitman to come and end you.  Sleep well, Mother. I'm also fond of the "spiraling paranoia".  Therapy with her is going to be fun and interesting.

Happy Thursday!  Back tomorrow with an update on what happened to St. Joseph, and let me tell you, it isn't pretty.


Brenda said...

Mwahahaha. Your daughter is hilair, Julie.

Trish said...

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree . . .

Wendy Ramer said...

#6 is definitely my favorite. "Who's the accident now?" I love it.

The Lady's Lounge said...

I'm writing an autobiographical book myself. I'll be sure to leave the nickname bit out.

Logical Libby said...

You r daughter is destined to be a literary agent. Or a shrink. Either way...

CeCe Savage said...

Lol! Your daughter is as funny a writer as you are! Great guest post!

ForeverRhonda said...

Your daughter is really funny. Great guest post!

Anita said...

I'm thinking some of these have been thought about before she wrote them. I can actually hear her saying a couple of them...Go E!

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