Friday, July 9, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 33

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.

Today's topic: Summer Hair Management.

I'm sort of a slacker mom.  Granted, we've been pretty busy so far this summer, but I took my kids to the pool for the first time last week, and their summer break is halfway over.  The kids have been to the pool - they've been in swimming lessons, been with friends, and went with our local park board.  But I, the Wife, had not stripped down for the community at the local pool until last week.  Preparing for my pool trip made me realize what a hairy woman I have become in my old age.

 Actual photo of me at pool, playing water guns with kids.

Every woman deals with this issue on some level.  Honestly, I don't shave my legs much between Thanksgiving and St. Patrick's Day.  Why bother?  Current Husband isn't going to turn me down because he doesn't have a girlfriend yet and I am his only option.  Besides, it keeps me warm.  But in the summer?  You don't want even one little unsightly hair poking out of anything.  Let me break it down for you from head to toe:

 Me at PTA event in May.
I think the flower in my hair is a nice touch.

I am a total Freda Kahlo.  If I don't pluck my eyebrows every few hours, I will grow a Bridge to Terabithia between my eyes.  Now that I am over 40, some of those hairs are gray or white, and much harder for me to see with my reduced vision.  I always seem to notice those little buggers about 10 minutes before I'm ready to walk out the door.  Last night is a great example - CH and I attended a John Deere Classic Golf Tournament dinner with some friends.  Nice event.  I wore a dress.  But as we were leaving home, I noticed a few stray eyebrow hairs, and I had to pluck them.  HAD. TO. And of course, I got huge welts on my eyebrows.  I told people I was hit in the forehead by a stray golf ball on my way into the event.  Kenny Parry got me an ice pack.  Zach Johnson suggested cucumber slices from the salad.

 Kids!  Let's get some ice cream with Higgins!
There is nothing hotter than a mother of three with a fluffy 'stache.  Again, over 40, darker hair, more prevalent.  What is that all about?  I didn't have a mustache in college!  I had very little unsightly hair before I was 25.  It's like God WANTS you to get pregnant before you're ready.  I get that bad boy waxed every few months, but I have to be sure not to schedule anything in the afternoon, because when the Tom Selleck is yanked off my face, I get a huge pink Hitler for a few hours afterward.  They even douse me with witch hazel or vodka or something, and yet, I sport the FemiNazi until dinner.

 It appears that Alec Baldwin and I 
share more than calling our 
children names on their voicemail...
Oh, you heard me.  I said it.  Nipples.  And I know lots of women who get stray hairs around their nipples, so don't EVEN try to tell me this is shocking in any way.  Fortunately, my nipular hair level has not reached shaving level, because I never want to say to CH, "Hey, wanna get it on?  I just shaved my tits."  I'm a plucker.  A mother plucker.  So hot.  Speaking of hot...

I'll pluck yours, Rob, if you pluck mine...
Yep, here too.  I've heard this called the Dirt Trail, but Urban Dictionary, the go-to resource for Whoreticulture Friday, says that is actually a disgusting fecal issue, so don't take my word for it.  I had a friend in high school who was plucking dark hairs from her navel to her dealio, and I thought, "Wow, that sucks".  Now I think of her as a pluck those stray bad boys, because she has a terrific job and probably gets hers professionally done while sipping a Mojito and reading "W".  Touche.

Bikini Line - really, you don't want an image here.
I am not brave enough to wax yet, so I am a shaver, despite warnings from my OB-GYN friend from high school who says to be careful with the razor because she has put stitches in a LABIA (cringe) from someone doing their own bushwhacking.  And let me tell you, it is hard to be thorough for swimsuit wearing.  I was very conscious about leg placement at the pool, because honestly, I am getting old and not as bendy as I used to be, and I was a little concerned about being surrounded by hairless teens in small bikinis.  Enough said.  As for Brazilians, let me just tell you that my pain tolerance level is quite low, and until they are giving epidurals with Brazilians, I will not carry a passport.  No travel to Brazil for me.

I look just like this, 
if you add three pregnancies, 
loads of spider veins, 
hairy German bloodlines,
and 15 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I always shave my legs in the summer, but I notice there are spots on my knees that I miss, which is weird.  I also occasionally notice longer dark strays on the back of my thighs a few inches above my knees, like there are a couple of hairs that seem to duck whenever I am shaving, and suddenly they are an inch long and showing off my German heritage.  I guess I'm married, so who gives a shit, but really, it's more about the principle.  I used to have great legs, it was my favorite feature, but then I had kids.  Some families pass down sterling silver or china.  Some families pass down stock or ownership in companies.  My family passes down the chin gobbler, Alzheimer's, and varicose veins.  Thanks, ancestors!  Now I have a map of Toledo on the backs of my legs, so really?  The hair can stay.

I get my pedicures done in Middle Earth with Frodo.
My big toes have hair on them too.  I also had five wisdom teeth, so it's like my people really haven't evolved that much from the apes.  I've been known to shave my big toes.  It's like my razor sees me coming and goes, "Oh Christ, really?"  I think I just need an all-over waxing.  Wax on, wax off.  Just like the Karate Kid.  But hairier.  And sadder.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble people, but I'm not too sexy for my shirt.  But I may be a little too hairy for it.  I know.  Current Husband is one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday!  Keep on waxing and have a great weekend!  St. Joseph story to come, he couldn't fit into Whoreticulture Friday, Sunday seems a little more appropriate.


bitethebedbugs said...

Hold on. When did you come in my house and photograph my feet? You know I actually shave my toes before I go to get a pedicure so the lovely Vietnamese ladies won't gossip about me. Also, nipple hair. Got it. So hot.

Toni said...

Oh I so get it with the eyebrows. Also I have chin whiskers. Nice.

Suzy said...

I'm going to give you the tip of the day on eyebrows. It looks like something you would use on your eyelashes. It's a tube of goo in your color and you brush them on your eyebrows and presto chango the white hairs are gone! It also keeps them in place so you can comb them anyway you want.

I'm a font of useless information and you're welcome.

Anonymous said...

I love when you write about stuff no one talks about. I have hair in all those lovely places and often blame my German genes too. I also have to pluck chin hairs and wax my side burns. We're hot mother-effing bitches.

Wendy Ramer said...

Okay, now's my time to gloat. I do share your inherited vericose veins (have had them since college!) but in exchange I inherited a relatively hairless body. I am the envy of most my girlfriends in that regard. (Since they do NOT envy how God blessed me with a special needs son who tests my sanity daily. But's it's all about tradeoffs, right?)

Anonymous said...

I normally read your blog in my reader and don't necessarily click through to comment but, you had me chuckling the entire way through. Dare I even say it, in an open internet forum, that I suffer from each & every issue you've described! It's truly amazing that after you are married and older and admittedly less adept at grooming (or let's be honest... just plain lazy) it becomes far more important to do so.

And, I never did understand how those 3 inch hairs just appear overnight. I swear, yesterday it wasn't there and today it's 3 inches long (if only they could bottle this special ability for good rather than evil, we could solve the world's baldness issues!)

Melissa E. said...

I'm ashamed to admit that I shave my arms. Is that weird? the hair just started getting darker there, and I figured, why not?, I also have to shave my legs, chin, and moustache area daily. The eyebrows are waxed monthly. I grow hair like it's going out of style. So I know where you're coming from.

Joe Ambrosino said...

Lord! Why do I read this? It will surely give me nightmares. I complain when my wife asks me to dye my beard and 'stache.Now, more to feel guilty about besides the childbirth thing.

GrandeMocha said...

I've got all of that too! I always blame the Italians but I've got German roots on both sides too! Maybe I'm double dipping. My hairdresser always tells me that I'm so lucky because I so much hair on my head. But with that comes hair in places I'd rather not deal with. Just a freaky, hairy family!

GrandeMocha said...

In honor of this post, I'm bleaching my mustache. Do I know how to party on a Saturday night or what?

Julie, The Wife said...

Oooh! I wish we had a stache bleaching party! I'm getting mine waxed off on July 21, I'm already cringing.

Jennifer Brindley said...

Holy hot balls, Batman. I LOVE Rob Pattinson. Hottest hottie. <3


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