Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Taking My Teen to a Sex Den

Last weekend, I took Oldest Daughter to a Sex Den.

Actually, I took her to two of them. They were on fire, red-hot, hunka-burning-love, bulge-in-the-jeans-in-your-face places, and to my great joy, OD was stone cold, like an ice cream cone next to a volcanic fajita pan. Where are these lusty locales? In the mall, just two doors down from each other. We shopped in Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch.

"Steve leaned against the post and 
watched his children play on the playset 
while planning his and Jenny's 
15-year-anniversary celebration."

Any parent who has walked past either of these stores knows what I'm talking about. They are Temptation personified. They post gargantuan, blown up pictures of washboard abs and bulging jeans, pump their lusty, eat-the-ripened-fruit perfumes out of the doors, and crank their roll-on-the-beach-in-the-sand-with-us-and-hope-you-don't-get-knocked-up tunes at the highest decibels.

They hire people who look like models - anyone with a BMI over 20 or in need of Proactiv need not apply.  There is always a model employee folding and re-folding t-shirts by the front entrance, which looks like a surf shack people sneak into after a few beers to make out, and they greet you.  If you are over 22 and come in alone, they say, "Welcome to Hollister, let me know if I can help you" and they smile at you like "I'm sorry you got old and can't wear our clothes."  If you are under 22 they smile and say, "Hey, what's up?  Welcome to Hollister!  Holla if you need something!" and if you are the cash cow adult accompanying the person under 22 you don't exist until you approach the register.  There, they await your debit card and look at you with a kind expression that says, "You must hate being old and missing all of this fun!"  And then they hand your purchase to you in a bag with naked men on it.

"Beth asked if he took the dresser out 
to the garbage for Bulky Item Day, 
and he said 'Yes, but it kinked my neck' 
and she said 'well we can't afford 
the co-pay this month, 
let me try to adjust it for you'."

A couple of years ago, OD would actually avert her eyes if we were to walk past either of these stores, or Victoria's Secret.  She physically couldn't bring herself to look at them, because they always have the 10-foot-tall black and white artsy photos of naked college kids.  I asked her once, "Why do you put your hand in front of your eyes?" and she said, "Because the pictures are gross and those stores are for older kids", NOT adults, mind you, but as though she somehow wasn't ALLOWED to look at the stores until she reached middle school or had the sex education day films.  I thought "Well this is ridiculous - she's seen Current Husband and I walk around the house half-dressed!" and then realized "OH.  No one looks at us and thinks 'I'd like to tap that'." Because when we are half-dressed, we are usually saying things like, "Mother of Pearl my back hurts, would someone rub it?" or "Is it just me or are my varicose veins actually BIGGER?"

"Would you feel this mole on my back?  
Does it seem cancerous?  My elbow hurts 
when you bend it like that, do you think 
I have arthritis?  I can hear your knees 
cracking.  Put my tank top down, 
you can see my stretch marks! 
And don't even TRY to grab my tits, 
the kids might walk in!"

Now when I take OD into these stores, she can manage to walk in, but she doesn't dwell on the naked pictures.  She doesn't ogle the male model employees...that I notice.  She actually looks at the clothes and tries to figure out which colors will go best with what she already owns.  She looks at prices and only buys a few things that are on sale, as we make her use her own money at these places so she can appreciate how expensive sex advertising can be.  And she doesn't buy into the "wouldn't this t-shirt look great hiked up to your bra?" or "these jeans are meant to be worn down to the coin slot" philosophy.

"Jeremy looked toward the shed and thought, 
'Damn all this rain, this yard is going 
to be impossible to mow' and regretted the 
Scots Turf Builder he had applied only 
the week prior.  'I swear to God the next 
place we buy is a condo'. "

Abercrombie and Hollister are hot for her, but for now?  She's so cold.  We've always said she can't date until high school, and she is starting eighth grade in the fall.  Lately, her popular question has been "Does high school start the summer between eighth and ninth grade, or after ninth grade actually starts?"  I'm hoping Siberia sticks around for a while, but I'm realistic enough to know a thaw is coming. 


lori said...

Am I really the first one to comment on this hilarious post?! I was just going to read a couple posts in my reader and go to bed, but HAD to stop and tell you how your photo captions cracked me up! Thanks for making me laugh!

Wendy Ramer said...

Best. Photo. Captions. EVER.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Your captions are great!! I usually sit outside and wait when the DH goes into these stores. I feel like such a dirty old lady when I start licking the posters of the hot barely legal boys.. and it really embarrasses the daughter too.

Joe Ambrosino said...

Very, very funny.I'm so glad my kids are grown.

Shiny said...

Oh my good gravy, Julie!! Hilarious as always, but man--those captions--too much! :) You crack me up, Girl!! And as soon as I read your title, I totally knew what you were writing about, as my 7 year old unfortunately loves to run into the "black store" (as it's dark, like a cosmic hide-and-seek adventure) at the mall as well... I try to blindfold her when I finally catch up to her spraying the store's fruitliciuos pheromones-spray all over the place...sigh...we are in soooo much trouble....

ForeverRhonda said...

I agree with the photo captions, so real life and such unbelievable bodies. Now I'm going to have to make a trip to the mall and walk into these stores to see what greeting I get...maybe hide out and listen to the models er employees for awhile.

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