It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 32

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.


Today's topic: Bella is a whore.


Let me just state for the record that I am, indeed, one of those freaky Twilight lovers. There, I said it. I love the books, I've read them all multiple times, and it's not just because of my daughter. I won't throw her under the bus. And while I think Jacob is just fine, particularly under the tutelage of Taylor Lautner, I am a Team Edward girl.


Watching Eclipse brought home a theme I felt while reading the books:
Bella is a total cock tease.
(BING! Did you hear that? It's the sound of another follower leaving.)

Dig deep within your soul, Twilight people....if Edward or Jacob was your friend in high school, and Bella was on Edward like white on rice during school, but then hopped on the back of a motorcycle to straddle Jacob and tear out of the parking lot in front of Edward, and both of those hot dudes were walking around totally sexually frustrated, you would:

1. Hate Bella for playing them.
2. Have sympathy sex with at least one of them.
3. Both.
4. Call them up and be all, "I just don't get why you put up with that crap Ed, you are all that and a bag, so just let her run around with those mangy cliff-jumpers" OR "You are so much better than this Jake, go find a girl who will scramble her egg on your chest because if she wants that sparkly freesia-scented freak she deserves him!"

I was so pissed during New Moon, because even though Jacob was a great friend and all, you totally knew he wanted to get in Bella's pants, and he wasn't even that subtle about it, and she's like, "Oh, it's okay if we hold hands, because friends can do that" and "I'll hang out with him every single day even though his friends have all told me that he calls me his girlfriend".  I mean, really?  Really Bella? 

Then Eclipse came along, and I was even MORE pissed, because come ON, Edward is BACK, honey!  Hello, remember the whole Romeo and Juliet thing going on in New Moon?  Like if R & J hadn't killed themselves over their true love, maybe Juliet would've looked at Benvolio some night when he was over to play cards with Romeo and said, "maybe we could hold hands and I could tell him I love him, but not in the way I love Romeo.  That would be okay, right?"  No, Juliet.  No it would not.

And then the whole Eclipse sleeping bag scene?  It's great in the movie, don't get me wrong, I love it.  But let's take stock here:  Bella has been dry humping Edward for almost two years now, and has spent the better part of the last month trying to coax Edward into deflowering her.  She makes a deal that she will marry Edward, even though she is totally against marriage, if he will just do it with her once, even though he has explained that he will most likely kill her during intercourse.  Then enter one really inexplicably cold June night in Forks, and enter Jacob with his 108 degree body whose wolf senses CLEARLY smell a girl in heat.  Suddenly it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to Bella's survival that Jacob wrap his shirtless body around her in her sleeping bag, in front of Edward.  And the entire time, Jacob is fantasizing about bangin' Bella, knowing Edward is reading his mind.

Can you say SADISM?!

Then BANG, the storm is over, Bella can run around without a coat on, and run after Jacob to dry-hump him in front of Edward, and let the wolf stick his tongue down her throat.  Even though Edward is her one true love.  And she's already agreed to marry him.  Then Jacob gets half the bones in his body broken, and after Carlisle painfully rebreaks and resets his bones, Bella walks in to weep and say that she really does love Edward more, but thanks for the smooch.  That's cold, Bella.  Stone ass cold.

I actually didn't like Bella much at the end of Eclipse, the book.  I thought she was a tease and not so naive that she didn't know she was playing both of these guys, particularly Jacob.  And I got a little fed up with the whole "UGH, do I HAVE to marry you Edward?" because who gives a crap if you are marrying him if you are becoming undead soon afterward anyway?  Yes, Bella, you HAVE to marry the superhot sparkly vampire who has pledged his life to you and promised you wedding night nookie even though you will inevitably be cock-blocking him, AGAIN.  And HELLO, can you imagine the haul from the gift registry?   "We'll need 14 Nambe bowls to hold all of the blood at parties, and four sterling candleabras, and some of those lovely Waterford goblets.  For the blood."

Let me take a moment to assure you, gentle reader, that I know these things to be true:

• these are books
• vampires and werewolves are not real
• Bella is a teenager and doesn't know shit
• no one puts blood in Nambe bowls

But still.  I can't have Oldest Daughter sitting there watching the movie thinking, "Damn girl, I need to get me two hot boyfriends and play them off of each other!"  I don't even want her to get ONE hot boyfriend.  I'd like her to be BFF's with a guy on the Lego Robotics team and Computer Club, and they can Facebook each other until they are 23, disease-free, and able to get a nice job with benefits.  But I digress.

Bella?  I know Stephenie had to drag this story out for four books, and there needed to be a conflict.  But it all ended up making you look kind of pathetic and cruel and fairly whorish for a virgin (another favorite scene with Bella and Charlie and "the talk").  And I know there is more coming (no pun intended) in Breaking Dawn, but at least we FINALLY get to see you two nutty kids get past the tentative smooching and groaning stage, because I'm starting to avert my eyes when you kiss.  It's all so pent-up-frustration-y.  As they say in boxing, "LET'S GET IT ON!"

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a terrific weekend!  And go see Eclipse, it's the best one yet!