Thursday, July 15, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 34

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.

Today's topic: Effing Parents

Have you ever caught your parents having sex?  I don't think I did, but my sister insists that on one trip when we stayed at a hotel, my parents took the bed and we slept on the floor and we heard them.  Clearly I have blocked this painful memory.  My kids haven't caught us as far as I know.  We tell them Mommy is screaming because she is having a charley horse caused by lack of potassium, a cautionary tale to children who don't eat enough bananas, or that Mommy has terrible daytime nightmares, and she is yelling "Don't!" and "Stop!" but just really close together.

Actually, rarely can I have sex when the children are on our property.  Hence the popularity of the Nooner at our house.  I believe my reluctance to get it on when Elvis is in the building stems from some friends of ours getting busted.  They had a lock on their door, and they would frequently engage it in the mornings on weekends.  Their sons, ages 10 and 7, would knock or try to open the door, get frustrated, and see it as their opportunity to go eat frosting or try to start the lawnmower.  One Saturday morning, the boys thought they needed their parents more desperately than usual, and after rattling the door in its frame for a few minutes, the older son yelled, 

"C'MON you guys, we know you're SEXING in there!"

Oh God.

Chelsea Handler starts her uber-hilarious book "My Horizontal Life" with a chapter called, "Look Who's Having Sex With Mommy", about how at the age of 7 her sister dared her to run into their parent's room and take a picture while they were having sex.  Which, of course, she did.

 "Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from.  Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck is a reason to put yourself up for adoption."

Along those lines, I have a friend who told me she was riding her husband like she was Jackie Kennedy at a dressage event, except that my friend was not tastefully dressed but instead buck nekkid.  (I am sure, however, that her husband thought of her as the First Lady.)  When approaching jump, the friend turned and saw her daughter watching them in the doorway of her room.  I am sure my friend got a 10 from the judges on her quick dismount, and then she got to have a super-fun talk about sex with her daughter, who I believe was 9.  Thank you Jesus, for sparing me the "Mommy Rides Daddy for Exercise" conversation so far.

Another friend, who was the 10th child out of 10, told us that when he was little his parents had a fun "game" they sometimes played with the kids.  His dad would take a handful of quarters and throw them in the back yard.  None of the kids could come inside until every kid had a quarter.  He told them it was an exercise in teamwork and helping each other.  What they figured out later is that after 20 or 30 minutes, their Dad would come out to check their progress, and someone would always magically find the last quarter moments after he left.  It turns out the parents were having sex, and the Dad would bring the last quarter outside and quietly drop it in the grass after the mission was accomplished.  Well done, parents of ten.  Now if only you had used those quarters toward The Pill.... but if his parents weren't so frisky and were big advocates of birth control, we wouldn't have our friend, the 10th of 10, now would we?

Did you ever catch your parents?  Have your children ever caught you?  Today is your day to contribute to Whoreticulture Friday.  Your kids already know...what's the harm in telling your anonymous, faceless Internet friends?  None whatsoever.  Show us your drawers.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!


Peggy Sue Brister said...

I have never been caught in the act but since we always have kids around my DH & I usually have to sneak off to our master bedroom walk in closet and grab a quickie when the kids aren't paying attention, and several times I have come out of the closet and back into the living room and the kids will give me a sideways look and ask me what I was doing. I always just say NOTHING, WE WERE JUST TALKING. I think they have an idea what was happening but they aren't really sure. We can't do it late at night like most ppl do b/c he goes to bed really early and gets up at the ass crack of dawn. I don't. And he is out of town 3 weeks a month for work, so when he comes home we can't wait for the right opportunities. We have to make the opportunities.
I overheard my parents doing it one time and I think I felt traumatized at the time, but not sure it had any long term effects. It just grossed me out and I was young enough I wasn't sure exactly what they were doing but I knew it was "sex".

Toni said...

Julie, if my husband finds out I've told this story I'm in Major Trouble. K?
One time, we were spooning (thank god, because that totally could look like cuddling, yes?) and the kids burst in just as Fabio had reached the Point of No Return (and you all know what that means).
He immediately pretended to be asleep and kept as still as possible while having the weirdest orgasm of his life, and I proved my status as a sympathetic wife by laughing hysterically for about 2 hours after.

Boonsong said...

We all sleep in wooden houses with the windows open, so it's not just peoples' kids but neighbours and their kids too who are treated to the "I'll be with you immediately" chorus. Everybody in the street is related to everyone else so it's a useful way to know how family members' relationships are going without having to ask.

Have a nice day, Boonsong

Wendy Ramer said...

Have never been caught by kids, but in college, I was caught by my then boyfriends' brother. Fortunately, Boyfriend and I were in missionary position, so not much of me to see. But Boyfriend's ass locked in my leg grip must have been a sight for older brother to wish he'd never seen. I was humiliated.

The Insatiable Host said...

Mr. Insatiable and I have quite the healthy appetite. I will say pre- move we didn't have a lock on our door, so while we have been interrupted with a sleep walking child here and there, the only times it has happened while it was my turn and then it gets ruined...awefully ruined.

So bad that I had tears in my eyes!!!! And Toni,I know that awkward stage of orgasm you so discussed and girl it's friggen not funny!!!! ok, yes it is!!!

Anonymous said...

So glad I could provide yet more material for your blog. . . Fluffy Laport

Michele Chastain said...

Thanks for the fabulously hysterical blog! I am SO following you now! :)

Gofer said...

yeah my son walked in on us while in missionary and I just told him that my hubby was telling me a secret except he wanted to know what the secret was and I told him if I told you then it wouldnt be a secret. and a time before that I guess we were a little to loud and my son yelled at us to stop jumping on the bed.

GrandeMocha said...

I came home to get something while babysitting. I walked by their room & the door wasn't shut. Still not sure what was going on.

Post a Comment

Let's talk. Tell me all about it.