It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 35

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.


Today's topic: Just Beat It


First, my apologies.  CH and I took out some of his clients for dinner on Thursday night, which is when I normally write Whoreticulture Friday.  Then today, we had a terrible storm that knocked out our power for over five hours (about 30 minutes after unloading $100 of food in the fridge), rendering me Internet-less.  I think I have about 30 minutes until it is midnight, so this MIGHT still publish on Friday...


I grew up without brothers, so the whole male species was a bit of mystery to me.  At the beginning of seventh grade I knew about a kid walking around with a boner during the school day, and while I vaguely understood that his boner wasn't an obvious blunder or stupid mistake, I wasn't exactly sure of the purpose of it.  Why?  It wasn't like he was going to have sex in Biology class.


WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR A BRIEF MOMENT OF IMMATURITY:
Go to Webster's Dictionary and click on the Audio of the word "boner".  It makes the 13-year-old in my giggle.  Okay, the 41-year-old too.

Masturbation isn't exactly something one talks about while dating, or even really after initially getting married.  I think around the five year anniversary mark, when you sort of run out of things to talk about, the topic may come up (no pun intended).  When The Son was little, other moms in my coffee group with similarly-aged boys would laugh about how "Little Timmy found his penis yesterday!" or "I changed Charlie's diaper and he wouldn't stop grabbing his penis" or "Jacob had an erection the entire time I bathed him yesterday, it was a little awkward".  (What made it even more awkward is that Jacob was her brother-in-law.)  The Son?  Nothing.  No finding, no grabbing, no woody, no interest.  Which was perfectly fine by me.


Fast forward to The Son at the age of 10.  Every summer we send him to a camp over an hour away so he can spend a week with his buddy from the previous town we lived in.  Last summer, we picked him up at the end of the week, and on the way home we grilled him about what happened at camp.


US:  "So what did everyone do?"
SON:  "We swam, rode horses, did some archery, climbed the tower, you know."
US:  "How was the food?"
SON:  "Terrible.  But I made it."
US:  "How were your cabin mates?"
SON:  (Pause)  "Well....they were a little weird."
US:  "What do you mean?"
SON:  "During the rest time after lunch, they would take off their pants and try to grab each other's junk."
SILENCE.  DISBELIEF.  FORMING COMPLAINT LETTER TO CAMP IN HEAD.
US:  "What?"
SON:  "You know.  Like hit each other in the jingles."
US:  "Did they like this game?"
SON:  "Oh yeah, they played it every day.  J and I would just go outside the cabin and play cards until they were done.  We thought it was really weird."
US:  (Relief)  "Well that was probably the best thing to do."


And then we let it drop.  Because how do you tell your 10-year-old son that he just witnessed a week-long Circle Jerk?

Circle Jerk, as defined by Urban Dictionary, the go-to resource for Whoreticulture Friday:

1.) When a group of males sit in a circle, jerking each other off.

2.) *NOT* when a group of males stand in a circle to jerk off onto a cookie or anything of the sort. That retarded frat game is called "Limp Biscuit"... which kind of indirectly explains why the band of the same namesake is so fucking horrible.

3.) When a bunch of blowhards - usually politicians - get together for a debate but usually end up agreeing with each other's viewpoints to the point of redundancy, stroking each other's egos as if they were extensions of their genitals (ergo, the mastubatory insinuation). Basically, it's what happens when the choir preaches to itself.

4.) A game on MXC that's based on sumo wrestling. Beware the Green Teabagger.

Yes, Definition 1 is correct, although I do plan to beware the Green Teabagger.


We sort of let the whole thing go away.  The Son is a kid who likes to question things.  He is a gatherer of information.  And he isn't afraid to broach uncomfortable topics, so I'm quite sure he would have felt comfortable asking about the Junk Punching game if he had any questions.  I told CH this was his department, as I have no knowledge in the masturbatory habits in the human male.  Not to say CH does.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.


So this year, The Son goes to camp again.  On the way up, I tell him that if anything...um...WEIRD is going on, he can leave to play cards or whatever.  He nods and looks out of the window.  Today, I got a letter from The Son from camp.  It is titled, "Dear Homies".  He says "the food is terrible, but I make it through the day".  And then this passage - "The guys in my cabin are nice, not like the last ones without pants."

Whew.  Because those bad cabin mates?  They can just Beat It.


Happy Whoreticulture Friday/Saturday, and have a great weekend!