I'm like Roger Ebert, but with a uterus.

This week, I saw a bunch of movies.  For me, anyway.

Most people with kids go through a drought where they don't see anything that isn't G-Rated for about five to eight years, depending on how many kids they have and what meds said kids are taking.  I've come out on the other side, and now I am a bit of a movie connoisseur, if I may say so myself.  This weekend's selections will show my range.

Mmm.  Gelato.

I really enjoyed Eat, Pray, Love.  Of course, I would have enjoyed it if the projector had broken and I had to sit for two hours because I was with a large bag of peanut M&Ms, a huge Diet Coke, and my attorney.  We could have a two hour conversation, uninterrupted by any of our five collective children, and I'd put that in the Win column.  However, the movie did come on, and I did feel a slight depression at seeing how Julia is two years older than I, and yet can pack away plate after plate of spaghetti and look svelte and utterly luminous.  I know, I know, filthy rich, personal trainer, yadda yadda, but STILL, she is just lovely, really.

I liked the book by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I loved Italy, got a little restless in India, and started skimming in Indonesia.  I hate to say it, but I thought Liz got a little bit whiny, and maybe we all have our moments of crying on the bathroom floor (not me, mine is a little dirty for that - I prefer to cry next to the wine rack) but it gets a bit awkward to read about it.  The movie somehow manages to take away some of the whine, or maybe Julia Roberts just makes sleeping on the floor or complaining about not eating good lunches appealing.  Maybe I just want to hang out with Julia Roberts and this has nothing to do with Eat, Pray, Love being a good movie.  I would like to be besties with Julia and borrow all of her clothes and jewelry and eat gelato with her in Italy.  Jen Lancaster and Stacey Ballis are welcome to come as well.  Fletch can drive us and carry our luggage and scout good bars for us.  Sorry CH, someone has to get the kids to school.  Oh, you're all still here?  Sorry.

  Oh yes, I've stooped this low

I think I've mentioned that I have a Twilight problem, in that I ain't quittin' them books.  I do love them.  Stephenie Meyer, you earned every dollar of the $40 million you pulled down this year without even publishing a book.  I see other writers criticize her writing and her style, etc etc., but with sales of over 100 million books for the Twilight series I think she may be onto something.  

ANYHOO, I took Oldest Daughter and The Son to Vampires Suck today with a friend and her OD and Her Son and we watched a fairly funny parody of Twilight.  How hard is it to make fun of Twilight?  SPOILER ALERT - Skip this italicized dialogue of my favorite part if you are going to see the movie:

Becca Crane and Edward Sullen have left Sporks High School and are standing in the woods. She is confronting him about what kind of monster he is.

BECCA:  "You have pale skin.  You dress fashionably, and you abstain from sex.  I know what you are."

EDWARD:  "Say it.  Out loud.  Say it."
BECCA:  "Jonas Brother."

I thought that was about the funniest damn thing ever.  Plus, I had a big box of Dots and a huge Diet Coke, so again, terrific movie.  I'll grant you that many of the jokes were lame, but overall it was a pretty good rip on the Twilight franchise.

 Party time!  Excellent!

The third movie I watched this weekend was Wayne's World.  I was in the car with OD and The Son and Bohemian Rhapsody came on, so we all sang full throttle.  I mentioned to them the part in Wayne's World where the guys all headbang to Bohemian Rhapsody, and the kids wanted to watch it.  I got all excited - this is where I can introduce my children to pop culture!  How exciting!  It will bring us all closer!  

We do Netflix or Redbox, but I figured this was a Blockbuster stop if I wanted it immediately.  I was reminded rather quickly why we do Netflix - I had to show my membership card, my driver's license, pay with my debit card, and then remember to bring it back in 48 hours or I would be charged $1 a day.  Netflix has spoiled me.  The Good Shepherd has been sitting in its Netflix envelope for two weeks, and you know what?  THAT'S OKAY.  This is Wayne's World people, not Inception.  They should lend it out for $1 and shrug if you don't bring it back.

We start the movie.  The kids are excited.  About 30 minutes into it, they start looking at me, confused.  Another 20 minutes later and they're both like, "This is lame".  OD left the room to text someone, and The Son started sighing alot, but stuck around.  I had no Dots or large soda, so this was kind of a bust.

The next day,  The Son and I make a trip to Target.  We pick up a few things, and when we are pulling out of the parking lot, I see a college-aged girl in a khaki skirt and t-shirt.  I say, "She's really pretty" and The Son, without missing a beat, says, "Schwing!"  I step on the brakes and look at him, incredulous.  "Did you just say that?"  He is blushing beet red, but laughing hysterically, and says, "Yes!" and then, "You made me watch that movie!"  I start driving again, and say, "Would you say the same thing about Giada?" and he says, seriously this time, "Absolutely".  I found out some time ago that my children were staying up late and watching Food Network, and The Son has a huge crush on Giada de Laurentis.  For an 11-year-old, he has excellent taste.

My future daughter-in-law.  

Hello, Thanksgiving dinner! Schwing!

Have you seen a good (or bad) movie lately?  Share with the Wifers what's what in the theater right now.  Happy Monday!

Oh, one more thing...George the Superpet is a finalist in the top 20 of W. Bruce Cameron's dog contest on A Dog's Purpose...click below to vote for George to win it all!  He may not have his balls anymore, but he does still have his pride:

Vote for George the Superpet!