Thursday, August 12, 2010

It's Whoreticulture Friday!
Issue 38

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or DAUGHTERS OF FRIENDS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! GO BACK TO FACEBOOK! NOW! I MEAN IT! Or so help me God I will tell your mother.

Today's topic: Classified Adultery

Okay, I decided to write about something a little less naughty this week since I lost FIVE followers after the MILF post last week, which quite frankly, I didn't think was as bad as some of the other Fridays. I'm not necessarily a slave to followers, I write what I like to write, but it stings a little when there is a mass exodus. Let's talk about something less shocking, like songs from the 1970's.

The other day I was transported back to my '70s childhood when I found a radio station playing the soundtrack of my youth.  You remember the '70s, right?  Here are the songs I remember and love:
  • Up, Up and Away (In My Beautiful Balloon)
  • Lay Lady Lay
  • What is Life?
  • Love the One You're With
  • Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
Do you realize most of these songs are about swinging?  And it's the last one that I heard on the radio the other day.  And it really pissed me off.  It starts off with the groovy beat, and then kicks off with "I was tired of my lady...."  Well buddy, you weren't such a catch yourself, because GUESS WHAT?  She was advertising to replace YOUR ass FIRST.  Stay down!  Eat sand!

 Yes Rupert, this is EXACTLY how I pictured you.  
I'd be taking out an ad too.

If I was his 'lovely lady' who walked into the bar at the end and said "Oh it's you", I think instead I would have conveniently forgotten that I placed the ad first and instead said, "What the hell are you doing placing an ad to meet women?!  And why are you ruining my date?"  I think what this song really proves is that Craig's List was around WAY before computers. 

I'm sorry, Rupert, but if you're that sick of someone, go to counseling, break up or get a divorce.  Don't waste their time.  While you're out writing your personal ad to hook up with someone else, did you stop to think for a second that maybe they're not that into you either?    I know about half of you out there cheat, I get it, I see how it can be really tempting or the forbidden sex can be really hot.  But isn't that what high school and college are for?  To get it out of your system?

In honor of the 31st birthday of this song next month, I am going to rewrite it.  

Escape (The Margarita Song), rewritten by Julie The Wife.

I was tired from my children- they hadn't slept in so long
They make me listen to Rihanna, instead of my favorite songs
While the old man lay sleeping, I tucked the kids in bed
I logged on to Craig's List, here's what I said:

"If you will mix margaritas, ignore the weight that I gain,
If you pay for my yoga, and get out Kool Aid stains
If you can make love in under 10 minutes
And you know how to bake
Send proof that you're sterile, and send coffee cake."

I posted it as joke - I don't have time for another man
I'm still lovin' my husband, and he's my biggest fan
But then I heard from Craig's List, someone responded to my ad
And I was sort of tempted - he didn't sound half bad

"Yes I can mix margaritas, and I'll get out those stains
I won't make you be on top- it's okay to be vain.
I will take out the garbage, and will hang your new drapes
Meet me at your local Starbucks, I will bring coffee cake."

I was kind of curious, so I went the next day
But I could tell in an instant, that he was totally gay.
But I needed a new best friend, and he said "Love your shoes"
And we laughed for a moment, and he said, "I'll go with you..."

"And I will mix margaritas, and serve up cold champagne
We will talk about our fave books, and exchange mix tapes
Let's paint your living room Midnight, and get armchairs done in Grape
You can text me anytime, that you need to escape."

This is what I need - Sassy Gay Friend!  
"What are you doing?  What, what, what are you doing?"

Happy Whoreticulture Friday! Have a great weekend! I hope you all get an escape....


Boonsong said...

Do you know, I never knew that Lay Lady Lay was about swinging? I always thought that Dylan wrote it for his favourite chicken.
An amusing (and inoffensive) post.

All the best, Boonsong

Julie, The Wife said...

Perhaps Dylan was swinging WITH his chicken. Or is about choking the chicken. There. Now this post is totally offensive! Yay Me!

GrandeMocha said...

Where's the video of you singing your song? At least a audio? Maybe a karoke version? LOVE the song! I would love a gay man to bake & hang out with me. I lost mine to a dude in another state.

ajrhomberg said...

Just the laugh I needed this morning!!! Love the song even better now! Just ran across an old Christmas Card of yours with rewritten words to Jingle Bells... I MISS You! Let's visit soon.

Queen of the Rant said...

hahahahha love the whoreticulturalist and will have to check out what made you lose followers those are usually the best posts.

The Insatiable Host said...

I think that Todd Hot Nutz Epstein is gay...does that offend or make your Friday night? He is quite vein, a great dresser and really knows his nuts. This is how I know...I have gaydar.

Anyhow, if you really need a gay guyfriend, you should post a craigslist...WANTED GBFF for FML talk OMG days and FU education.. lol..


Maxabella said...

Swinging! Those were (are for some) the days!

Can't believe you had a walk out over last week's post (she says popping back to last Friday to read it all over again...) Nah, still can't see the fuss. Keep going.

Mrs Woog said...

5 people are missing out on your wit - fuck them I say! I also went back to re-read the Milf post and it was funnier than ever!

Anita said...

Laughing at the song! AND I remember my first date with Ross- we met at Junior's uptown- to go out to dinner from there. While we are sitting there ( only 2 people in the place, my ex walks in, sits down and says- what are you doing here? I saw your Jimmy out front. I am on a date, retard. Go away. Not swinging, but hilarious, looking back. Loved your rewrite!

Anonymous said...

Fuck those FIVE followers who have MILF issues, I loved that effing post!

International Woman of Mystery said...


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