It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 37

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or DAUGHTERS OF FRIENDS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!  GO BACK TO FACEBOOK!  NOW!  I MEAN IT!  Or so help me God I will tell your mother.

Today's topic: MILFs

The other day, I checked my junk mail, and next to the usual items concerning the hundreds of medical transcriptionist jobs in my area, the low Viagra prices, and the strangers proposing lucrative business arrangements, was a new type of e-mail for me, and it immediately got my attention:

Subject: - sexually explicit -MILFs!

Single Mothers Looking To Date!

We wanted to let you know right away that there are thousands of MILFs in your city that are looking to meet new people for one night stands and threesomes. These MILFs are beautiful, fun, and extremely sexy!

PRESS HERE to see how beautiful these MILFs look: (MUST BE 18 and OLDER)

You can DATE these MILFs this week!!!

WHOA.  Thousands of MILF's, in MY city, and not only do they want one night stands AND threesomes, but they are extremely sexy and beautiful!!!  And fun!  How DOES my computer do it?  I was just thinking about how I would love nothing more than to spend an evening in a skanky-threesome-one-night-stand-sure-to-be-festering-wounds episode with other women who have used uteruses (uteri?) just like mine!  This was indeed my lucky day.  (You know what's sad?  There's a man who read that last sentence who just felt the stirrings of an erection.  You know it's true.)

What's that?  You don't know what a MILF is?  Let's check Urban Dictionary, the go-to source for Whoreticulture Friday (copied with typos intact, clearly written by a professor):

MILF: "Mother I'd Like (to) Fuck" :mothers, whether married, separated or divorced, that a male individual sees as physical attractive enough to want to have sexual intercourse with them. Just cuz their moms doesn't mean that they don't need a spark in their love life. If they've ever breastfed,they have really responsive nipples and a core of erectile tissue in their breasts. The ones in good shape have worked at regaining control over their vaginas (Kegel exercises).MILFs are usually real careful about birth control, they know accidents happen but they take responsible steps. They want to fuck with abandon, with no romantic complications for their under-19 family.

A MILF is any mother that is sexually desirable.

"A core of erectile tissues"? OR this one:

MILF: Some hot ass mom of a friend's that you wanna do so badly

When you're going out to basketball practice and you see ur best friend's mother bending over to pick some flowers and she's got a thong on Got MILF?

I personally heard about MILFs for the first time in the movie American Pie, when Stifler's Mom was putting the make on Finch.  Meet Jennifer Coolidge, America's MILF:

 "I got some scotch...aged 18 years, 

the way I like it."

However, I was familiar with the concept much earlier.  My high school posse of friends had reunited (and it felt so good) for a weekend about ten years ago (forgive me girls if that is wrong).  Nearly all of us had kids by then, we were probably around 30, and this was a rare night away from the families.  We went out for dinner, feeling spry, and a college-age guy waited on us.  We joked around with him for a while, getting a little tipsy, and then a LOT tipsy, and at one point we said something to him like, "We're moms on the loose!  If you're lucky we'll invite you back to our room!"  And he was visibly shocked and like, "Uh, no thanks."

And that just did it.

After a few moments of stunned silence, we lit into this poor guy.  I remember saying to him, "You go home to your little frat boy roommates and tell them that six EXPERIENCED women invited you back to their hotel room with them, and you refused!" and as he walked away I was saying something like, "We have over 75 years of sexual experience between us!  We can do things you haven't even HEARD of yet!"  

Did he need to know that experience included getting stuck between the bed and the wall, or having a puppy accidentally end up licking someone's balls, or not being able to get the handcuffs off?  No.  It needed to sound provocative, not disturbing.  (And by the way people, only ONE of those things happened to me.)  He was missing out!  On something we weren't even offering, really, but it stung to be shut down.  We were MILFs, for God's sake, before MILFs were even invented!  

So there I was.  Another classy situation, where a tipsy Julie berated a young man for not wanting to participate in an orgy with semi-drunk nursing mothers with attitudes.  I will defend my friends' honor.  The waiter came back, a little apologetic, probably because the tip had not been paid yet.  Were we mad?  No.  We're moms.  We were disappointed in him.  So we spanked him hard and then we put Baby in the corner and cuffed him to the Time Out chair.  Naughty monkey.

Happy Whoreticulture Friday, and have a great weekend!