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Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word culture. Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws.
Today's topic: Spring Cleaning.
In my mind, spring cleaning is what I did growing up during Spring Break. We didn't really have a Spring Break at my school, per se. We had Good Friday off, and sometimes the Monday after Easter. Back then, we called it Easter Break, and no one went anywhere other than their grandmother's house for ham. (I grew up in a town of 25,000 in Nebraska with a billboard outside of town that said "Welcome to the White Lights Christmas City!" It was supposed to mean that we put candles in the windows of the houses, but the kids growing up in the town realized it meant we lived in a town made up entirely of white Christians. Most of us were pretty excited to leave and get a little more diversified.)
A friend and I were joking the other day that Spring Cleaning in our age bracket has now come to mean getting divorced and selling your house when the snow melts. It makes me wonder what Urban Dictionary, the go-to reference guide for Whoreticulture Friday, has to say:
1. Spring Cleaning -
A thorough cleaning around the house when winter is over.
I need a spring cleaning service on my house.
I'm always a little shocked and disappointed when Urban Dictionary comes up with something so normal. I'll go to Webster's if I want something that makes sense. I go to Urban Dictionary to get the underground versions of things. Fortunately, there were four more definitions.
2. Spring Cleaning - The act of having sex with a woman who thinks their period is over only to find out afterwards that it wasn't as over as you thought.
Okay, ISH, but still, I had to laugh. Because I have the maturity level of a middle schooler. Why the Massengil douche company has not capitalized on this, I do not know. I mean, really, what is going to sell faster...something called "Disposable Vinegar and Water Douche", which sounds like an Easter Egg dye solution, or "Spring Cleaning Service", which sounds like a team goes in and changes your sheets and opens your windows?
Summer's Eve is a little better. Alongside "Extra Medicated" and "Vinegar and Water", they have catchy names like "Fresh Scent" and "Sheer Floral", and my two favorites, "Summer's Eve Douches Island Splash" (I picture a bunch of Jersey Shore guys on an island with water guns), and "Summer's Eve Ultra Feminine Powder Sporty Fresh" (wow - your vagina smells so girly, yet fit! And fresh!). There was another brand that had a "Baby Powder Fresh", which is a mistake. Most women in their target demographic will tell them that when they need to start using this product, the last thing they want is to get anything baby-like near the factory.
"Summer's Eve Douches Island Splash"
Admit it. It fits.
The third definition on Urban Dictionary was so stupid I'm skipping it.
4. Spring Cleaning - a term used by drug dealers or high minded criminals to "clean up" when they get word the Feds have obtained a search warrant to check their property.
This is good information, enabling me to talk to teenagers with street cred. I'm left wondering why only 'high-minded' criminals use this terminology. Are 'low-minded' criminals banned from using snarky phrases to describe their activities? This seems a little classist.
The fifth definition was so gross that I actually voted thumbs down on it and can't reprint it, even in a forum like Whoreticulture Friday. News Flash! Even I can get repulsed.
That's all for today - may all of your Spring Cleaning activities end freshly. Happy Whoreticulture Friday and have a great weekend!
6 comments:
You DO realize you're sending all of us over to urban dictionary to read defs 3 & 5, right? I didn't even understand 3, and was equally repulsed by 5. BTW - whenever I visit your blog, I hear faint voices...almost lyrical in nature. Earlier this week, I was scared they might be aliens. And then I realized - it's just your playlist streaming through the earplugs hanging over the hook in my computer cabinet. False alarm! No aliens! (this time....)
How pathetic for me that spring cleaning means it's time for me to spring up off the sofa and actually clean. This means I do spring cleaning about once every month. I'm an organized woman to a fault, but cleanliness is another issue altogether.
Oh yes I went to urban dictionary while knowing full well that I would wish I didn't...and guess what I wish I hadn't read definition #5 and have no idea what #3 meant. Probably better I don't know....love your blog.
I'm with you, I think number four is definitely a little classist. They seem to suggest that 'low minded' criminals run around saying "get this shit out of here you crack ass hoe motherfucker before the 5-0 come in and bust our ass". and that just doesnt seem right.
And let's be honest. High minded criminals, and some mothers, run around talking like that too.
"getting divorced and selling your house when the snow melts" is absolutely hysterical! I guess because I can relate from many years back (only there was no snow.)
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