Sunday, August 14, 2011

How Short is Too Short in Shorts?

Because tonight at High School Freshman orientation, the assistant principal very assuredly told the parents that if our daughters are caught wearing shorts that are too short, they will be sent home from school.  I am going to add this to my list, called, "Even More Fucking Things to Worry About With A High Schooler."  Dear Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle, and Aeropostale - will you PLEASE get together with my principal and come up with an acceptable length of shorts, and I will purchase them.  I will purchase 10.  I will even consider paying double so I don't have to worry about this anymore, because I'm already freaked out by the bus passes that haven't shown up, the confirmation that my PaySchools acct is paid in full hasn't shown up, and the fact that Youngest Daughter informed me tonight that she is completely out of clean underwear and the 12-pack I bought her yesterday is too big.

I am making lunches for all of the kids tomorrow because I am not sure about the PaySchools account, and two of my children are now vegetarians because of a PBS video I showed them a few weeks ago called "Chicago, City of the Century."  I'll write about that later this week, because we have all month, right?

The other thing the prinicpal said today?  "Communicate with your kids, because if you don't ask questions before they go out with their friends, the next questions you'll be asking are, 'Did anyone get hurt?  What charges were filed?  When is she due?'"  Oh Dear God.  Buying longer shorts tomorrow.  Secretly implanting daughters with Norplant, and son, if doctor will agree to it.

We had a special dinner tonight and toasted Oldest Daughter, our new high school freshman, and The Son, our new Middle Schooler, and Youngest Daughter, our last child in third grade.  I got a little choked up; they got slightly irritated.  But I'm not sure how all of these kids got old, while I remained a fresh, spry 23.  This just isn't possible.  And I'm slowly coming to realize that when I admonished my parents when I was a high schooler because they "Just Didn't Understand", that they understood perfectly - I was the one who didn't understand.  It's a real bitch to just get that now.  Sorry Mom!

I feel like we've done a good job with the kids - by all appearances, they seem polite and well-mannered and care about school and empathetic, but the minute you start thinking that your kid can do no wrong is when they do.  No kid is above an unplanned pregnancy or a failed test or some tp'ing or underage drinking or sign-stealing, or even some mild bullying.  Facebook and cell phones and the Internet and their access to it, coupled with immaturity, scare the hell out of me.  So here we go, onto our next adventure into the great unknown, with a little prayer for some luck and hope that they will do the right thing, and when they don't, to come to us first.  And let us help.  When they hand you that screaming baby in the hospital and wave while you get in the car, clueless and scared, you don't realize that the most terrifying times in parenthood are still a good 12 years away.

But I'm trying not to think about that stuff - I'm just dropping them off and smiling and waving and hoping that they are embarking on the best part of their journey so far, and then wiping away a tear and chugging a venti quadruple shot skinny vanilla latte.  Because I'm leaving for Ohio on Tuesday for a hooker convention and I'm still not finished packing.

Happy First Day of School, parents.  Here's to a great year that is low on drama and high on grades and happiness!


Rhonda said...

I often wonder how my son keeps getting older while I seem to get younger. It's magic.

He's heading off to middle school and we were informed that pants cannot have any rips at all. Ever. I figure we will be buying new jeans on a rotating weekly basis.

Jen said...

Our school policy is that shorts must reach their fingertips when they stand with their arms at their sides. Likewise, any rips and holes should be below the fingertips.

It's a good thing I have a sewing machine, because my kids are rough on clothes! And we don't even allow them to wear shorts to school, because we're all freakishly tall and long-legged.

My kids also start school tomorrow. I have absolutely zero plans for the day, other than basking in the blessed silence that occurs when I have the house to myself. At least for the first five minutes. I'm sure some crisis will rear it's ugly head and save me from spending the day talking to myself :)Happy new school year, Julie!

Anonymous said...

Aren't pants just long shorts? Or at least pre-shorts? I'd just stick with capris. No one gets booked or knocked up. Good luck!

The Table of Promise said...

Jesus School doesn't start in NYC until September 7th. I don't get these crazy early start days.

Oh and in regards to your two kids becoming vegetarians. Are they aware that they now have to eat vegetables and not just more bread?? Hahaha! That should scare them back into meat. But seriously, I read the Jungle I can only imagine what was in that PBS special. They should read up on Grass Fed Meat. I suggest That site can help you source local grass fed suppliers. Also Rocky Mountain Meats (I think that is their name) is a great supplier, ethically treated animals and the like. Plus they ship goods frozen. It is worth a shot. At least with grass fed meat you have an ethical option to factory farmed meats. Our current food system isn't that far removed from wat you saw on PBS.

Okay okay okay!! I am sorry I promie I will get off my soapbox now. Great post!

GrandeMocha said...

I told my husband that if I had a girl, I was putting her on bc when she hit 12, not taking any chances. His head almost spun around. Good thing I just have a boy.

We have buy our shorts from the uniform supplier. School starts next week & they aren't in yet. I'm freaking out.

Anonymous said...

My oldest daughter is starting her second year in college this year. When she was in high school they had all the same rules, no short shorts, no spaghetti strap tank tops, no one really listened by looking at what the kids dressed in, and I don't recall anyone being sent home either. Then again, if Mack wears shorts she always has some tights on to cover her pasty white legs.

The secret Norplant is a good idea, it would save you from having to have the melt down that I had when I found evidence of sex in my house.

Jody said...

I understand where you are coming from Julie. Our boy just landed us with the news parents just don't want to hear, although I haven't been able to bring myself to ask when the due date is. I'm too busy trying to figure out how to get my head around the fact that I'm going to be a step grandma before I'm forty.... how the hell did our boy (who knows he has a stepmom that does get it) end up a dad at 19? To a girl we don't have much fondness for to boot.

Well our oldest has made it through Uni, and we are hoping our youngest learns from big brother's mistakes... (Sorry I needed to vent, not ready to share yet on my blog.)

Great job on the daily blogging :)

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